Monday, August 20, 2012

So basically, I don't respect anyone

Lily: Lately, I've been super obsessed with Pinterest. I'll spend hours and hours on there, just repinning things I think look pretty.

Yesterday, I came across this gem of a blog post: 25 Ways to Communicate Respect To Your Husband. As a woman who is getting married soon, I decided to look through it. Maybe it'll have something interesting. 

Tits: So I opened this link and the first thing I noticed is that the writer looks like an old-timey religious Mormon that has sister wives and lives to obey her husband. Not really a great role model to follow (btw, I don't think she actually is one of those Mormons)

Nugs: The first thing I noticed is that this woman is batshit fucking insane.

Ginny: I'm going to just walk up to my boyfriend and say "I'm praying for you" and walk away. Totally not creepy.

Perfectly normal!

While there are some things that make sense (despite being a little too religious-y for my taste), there are other points that are WTFs. 

Keep the house tidy. Isn't that kind of a given? I mean, why would anyone want to live in a pigsty. But, how is this showing that I respect my [future] husband?

Nugs: This would actually be more for me. When people come to my house I like to follow them around with paper towel and coasters. As long as they've graduated to "aiming for the bowl," guys usually don't give a shit about a this.

No pun intended.

Dress to please him. "Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house". LOLWUT? First of all, I buy my own clothes. I think I have a better idea of what looks good on my body. If it were up to Ivan, I'd probably always have to wear a shirt that exposes the girls. So, yeah no. Stupid point.

Tits: If I had to dress for my boyfriends, I would have to buy new clothes each go around. Imac would have me in nothing but booty shorts, Meathole guy would probably just had me topless and College guy loved me in dresses and miniskirts. My wardrobing budget cannot handle dressing to please a man.

Nugs: So basically, just be naked then? That's the real hidden message here.

Are these really the things I need to do to respect my husband? How is "preparing his favorite food" a sign of respect? I'm not going to feed him stuff he doesn't like (Read: seafood), but I'm not going to go out of my way to make his favorite food often. On a special occasion, yes. On a regular Tuesday. NO.

Nugs: This really should say "keep beer in the fridge."

Tits: Also weed on the table and make him a goddamn sandwich every 3 hours 

Ginny: Beer is totally a meal and easy to prepare.

Don't complain. Fuck we're screwed. I guess I shouldn't get married.

Tits: Seriously? I mean so I'm just supposed to let him watch ghost hunters, clip his toenails at the kitchen table,  and fart on me and not bitch at him? I'm okay with being a cat lady now

Ginny: crap. I will never be able to keep anyone happy.

One of my favorite points is this: 

Respond Physically: Did you know that the way you respond (or don't respond) to your husband's romantic overtures has a profound effect on his self-confidence? Don't slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he's in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too. 
You don't say, Mrs. Flanders! But, what if, I'm not in the mood? You just can't have sex when you're not in the mood.

Nugs: That sounds an awful lot like, uh, rape. Just sayin.

Ginny: So you need to use your body to prove you love him? Awesome.

If your husband respects you, he'll understand if you're not in the mood... and if he doesn't, well he can take himself to the bathroom. At least this is what I think.

I don't know about all this. I can't just show my respect by being a good listener, a good lover (bow chicka bow wow and other wise), a friend, a good partner? Maybe I'm just going to suck at the whole marriage thing. So would that make me a "Satanic emissary trying to destroy families"?

Tits: I don't know, how about just respecting them period. I mean I don't make my BF's watch Project Runway or the Yankees and they don't force me to watch Jersey Shore or the Kardashians. I think this is the most respect you can have in a relationship.

Nugs: OK, but even Satan's wife probably complained about the heat from the seventh circle sometimes. What is this bitch, Amish?

No. Just no.

Ginny: It's a two way street. You both need to show respect to each other. This article is very oneside and looks like it was written in 1950.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Dude where's my car? Or Ginny's worst date ever.

I've dated a lot. You can label me a serial dater, I admit to it. When I was single I dated guys I met through friends, bars and online dating. You would think that my worst date story would be about someone I met online, but this guy I actually met at a bar.

Nugs: That sounds like the start of every failed relationship I've been in since college. So I can already see where this is going.

Tits: This makes me feel slightly better about being a serial dater except I have never met a guy at a bar. Like I can't pick up men at a bar because I'm a bitch or something. Anyways carry on.

Boston circa 2008ish? I'm not quite sure. I'm at a show at Great Scott with two of my friends. I happen to spot a guy that I had dated briefly that completely blew me off (that's another story for another time). I can only imagine the look on my face when I walked up to the bar. When you see a guy that hurt you the Ginny solution is to get another drink.

Nugs: And this is why we're friends.

Tits: Yep that's the best solution to that problem.

Lily: Ditto. Because as Homer Simpson said: 

I order my beer and sit down next to this guy because it was the only seat open at the bar and he was kind of cute. I had a feeling he was going to start talking to me and he did. Good, I thought. I hope that asshat who blew me off was watching this.

Lily: I just want to sidebar for a second to say I love asshat as an insult! 

I'm going to call my new friend at the bar liquid lunch which will be explained later on (although I think you can figure out why already).

Liquid lunch and I seem to get along pretty well. We chat through the whole show and he buys me a drink or two. At the end of the night he gets my number and we agree to meet up soon. He works not too far from me so we figure lunch might be a good place to start.

Two days later and I'm walking towards a bar/restaurant to meet liquid lunch for lunch. When I walk in he's drinking a martini. Ok, I'm not going to judge. I know I can drink a lot but I don't drink during my lunch break at work. But again, that's me.

Tits: He ordered drinks before you got there. I find that a little rude. Red Flag

I sit down at the bar and we chat as I look over the menu. I put in my order for food and ask liquid lunch if he's getting anything since he wasn't looking at a menu.

"Nah, I'm doing a liquid lunch."

Nugs: That seriously would have been my cue to "excuse myself to the bathroom" and then climb out the window. But I'm also incredibly curious to see where this is going.

Curious like a trainwreck.

Lily: And you can't look away .... Like a moth to a flame.

I didn't really know how to react to that so I just said ok and tried to continue the conversation. As I'm drinking my water and eating my food liquid lunch orders a shot. He tried to get one for me too and I tell him no thanks, so he does my shot as well (Lily: dafuq?! I can only guess how lunch is going to end).

Lunch time is over and I'm full and sober and liquid lunch smells like a bar. At least he ate the olives in the martini (Lily: That is better than nothing.).

Tits: What kind of work does he do that he can go back to work smelling like booze? Because I need that job.

Nugs: Strongly agree.

Ginny: I wish I could remember!

I was a bit thrown by our lunch date but decided to give him one more chance. We meet up for dinner and drinks (of course) a few nights later. Liquid lunch is drinking beer, mixed drinks and doing shots. I stick to beer. I also had to drive so I wasn't going to go crazy.

I drive liquid lunch back to his place and he asks if I want to come up and watch a movie (Nugs: Translation: "Let's get naked"). I tell him I can come up for a few minutes but I'm not staying long (Nugs: Translation: "You will never see me naked"). Mostly I just wanted some water. He shows me where to park and I ask him if he is sure the spot is ok because it's Boston and parking is horrible. He assures me it's fine, this is the parking for where he lives.

Once inside I realize that I just want to go home. We chat for a couple minutes and then he offers to walk me to my car. We go outside and my car is not there.

I look at liquid lunch.

"You said that spot was fine!"

"It is, I swear! Someone must have stolen your car!"

We go back inside and I call the nearest tow place. They said they don't have it. The whole time liquid lunch is loudly telling me to call the police not the tow place.

I ignore liquid lunch and call two other tow lots. The third lot has it. Thank god. I tell this to liquid lunch and he starts ranting about how my car should not have been towed even though he does not rent that spot! Could you have told me this earlier?

Pardon my language but you are a f($*&%^ idiot. That's what I should have said but instead I called a cab to take me to my car. I ask him to come with me.

Tits: Wait you call a cab? Does this liquid motherfucker not have a car and offer to drive you? Because douchebag of the year. 

Ginny: Nope, no car and no offer to pay for said cab.

"Are you going to come with me?"

"No, I have to get up early tomorrow."

I look at him like he has to be joking. But he was totally serious. I was so pissed I didn't even think about how much money getting my car out would cost until I stormed out and got in the cab. He texts me asking me to let him know when I get there.

Nugs: Thanks. What a fucking gentleman.


When I get to the lot I find out that it's $160.00. I text this back to him and his response is "that sucks."

Now if this happened now I would have lost my shit. I never would have left, I would have made him pay to get my damn car out. I would like to smack that Ginny for not standing up for herself. Instead I just ignored all of his texts and phone calls and never spoke to him again. Liquid lunch even had the balls to text me "did I do something wrong?" after I stopped responding.

Yes, yes you did do something wrong you asshole. Thank you for assuring me that that spot was fine and then not offering to come with me or pay to get my car out. Good thing you don't know 2012 Ginny because I would have gone Mel Gibson crazy on your ass (minus the racial slurs, that's not cool).

Nugs: OK, 1) Could you maybe have picked a MORE CONVENIENT TIME to bring up that you didn't rent that spot? 
And B) What in the motherfucking "Call Me Maybe" sing-along hell is this shit? What kind of dickhead manages to get his date's car towed and then doesn't go with her to get it out of impound? You, sir, are an asshole.

BABY SEAL) It may be time to switch to water. Just a suggestion.
DD) You, sir, are an asshole.

Tits: I'm pretty sure he's going to die alone with a liquor bottle in his hand, so I'm going to call this a win for you Ginny because you didn't get bogged down with dating him. I mean could you imagine if you didn't find out what a complete loser he was until after you had dated him 2 months.

Lily: I honestly cannot believe this douchebag! I'll go back in time and punch him for you, Gin.

Ginny: Instead of Hot Tub Time Machine it's Revenge Time Machine

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

You've Got Male. See What I Did There?

Nugs: This weekend I went out of town to visit my mom and, while on my vacation, picked up a shit-ton of postcards for all my co-bloggers (Bloggesses? Bloggi? Let's coin something and make this a Thing).

Lily: I vote Bloggi, because it sounds funny.

Ginny: And Bloggi sounds like it would be grammatically correct or something like that if it was a real word.

Nugs: You guys know how I feel about grammatical accuracy. Let's do this. Moving on..

Lest you think that I'm a total philanthropist or whatever, keep in mind that this was like 40% for them and like 60% for me. Or, to be more accurate, it's probably more 20%-80%.

Ginny: I'm bad at math so don't look at me.

Nugs: I am definitely more of a science nerd. "Chemistry," hey-o!


Every time I mail something to my friends I get to go to the UPS store, which means that I get to see my secret boyfriend; and by "boyfriend" I totally mean "definitely knows I'm in love with him and is most likely terrified that I'm waiting behind his car or something." I should probably inform him that we are in fact together but I like my relationships to have that element of surprise. I swear I am thisclose to throwing myself boobs out on the counter and asking him to sign for my package.

Lily: TeeHee, package! In all seriousness though, you should totally do it. 

Coyote Tits: Nugs has been talking about this guy for months. MONTHS. The way she describes him, well it's totally like this:

Nugs: It's true. My friends all benefit from my stalker tactics because this means they get a bunch of presents, but in return they have to put up with me rambling on about how hot this guy is. So, tit for tat. Without the TAT.

One time I went in there with an NYC shirt and some old dude started talking to me about the Knicks. I love the Knicks, despite the fact that they consistently suck, and the guy behind the counter was like, "oh, we have someone here who's a Knicks fan." Then he told my future child support to come out from the back room and I DIED. Not visibly, though, because I'm all stealth.

As it turns out, we are totally made for each other because he is also from New York. He had even heard of the tiny college that I went to that people usually make curious puppy face when I mention. Also did I tell you guys that he looks like this?

Lily: And you haven't jumped his bones, why? This is a HUGE step above from what I was imagining in my head. 

Nugs: Wait. What are you implying?

Lily: Stop slacking and get to it!

Nugs: The answer here is simple: I'm a chickenshit.

I mean, we had talked to each other before but not normally for more than three minutes because:
1) He's at work (Not a good excuse, he takes breaks, no?)
B) He's always surrounded by old fat dudes and (ew)
MAGICAL PRANCING UNICORNS) That three minutes is usually the exact amount of time I can hold a conversation with him before I picture him naked and get all flustered and have to leave before I say something that gives away what is going on in my head OH HAAAAAI. Every time he asks for my number to "put in the system" I want to be like, "put THIS in the system." Oh yes. And then I get all excited because he asked for my number. And then I remember, "oh right. It's his job." Sad.

Coyote Tits: This is also his job:

NugsAnyway, I went there today to mail everything and- what a gyp- he wasn't even there! Or his red light psycho-meter went off and he went to sit in the back in the fetal position until I left. Later Tits and I were on Facebook and this happened:
Nugs: he wasn't even there; what a gyp
Coyote Tits: seriously
Nugs: or maybe he was hiding in the back. he probably heard me come in and was like "Oh Shit"
Coyote Tits totally unlikely;  he would have been all "get the fuck out of my way the hot bitch with the big tits is here"
Coyote Tits hahaha
dammit now everything I say can and will be used against me in a court of Nugs 
Ginny:  Looks like we're going to be getting more post cards.

NugsAll my friends keep telling me to just ask him to get a drink or something, but I think at this point he would probably run the fuck the other way. Or at least purposely give me the wrong meeting place and then have the cops show up. Although, hey, handcuff access! Ye-yeah.

Please still be my friends.

Ginny: I like the or something because the or something could be sexy times.

Lily: I agree. Invite him out. Talk about NYC. And if the cops come, maybe they would want to join the party. HEY-O!

P.S. We're still friends. 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Tit's Rules of Dating: Guys are Weird

It seems only fair that my inaugural post on this blog is about my love life or lack thereof. Since it was Nugs and I discussing our weird-ass dating lives that prompted us to start this blog.

Nugs: It also seems fair that the inaugural post on this blog should be an explosion of wit, self-mockery and shameless sexploitation that all of your creative, dynamic and intellectual co-authors are so maturely exalted for, just so you can get a feel as to what you'll be perusing through for however long we decide to keep this going.

Haha. "Feel." (Lily: *giggle*)

Anyone who has been keeping tabs on my personal blog might have see that I have been seeing a new guy. Well that's over, and like with every failed relationship I called Nugs to discuss it. And in the discussing it, we couldn't come to a consensus with what was going on with this guy.

Nugs: How is he not yet fall-on-your-ass in love with you? Your name is Tits. You're super nerdy. You're friends with us. I don't understand this.

So we thought we'd let the internet decide what was going on. So I met this guy online and while I don't take too much stock in online dating, this guy was a winner. He was cute, funny, smart and charming and nerdy. He wasn't perfect but he was the closest I have ever come to finding it. We went out on a total of 5 dates, which isn't that many but it's enough to know if you like a person or not.

And I liked him and I got the impression that he liked me. He would text me "good morning" like every day and we'd text all day (or at least what was reasonable between working). He would answer mine (and Nugs') random questions on his opinions of Dragons and Narwhals. Also this convo happened:

Tits: Enterprise vs. Millenium Falcon: Go
Him: MF. Hands Down
Tits: Swoon

Nugs: NO. The technology used to create the Enterprise would destroy the Millennium Falcon in like thirty seconds before the MF even lined up its shot. Also, Borg Queen vs. Jabba the Hut? The Queen is the WAY better villain and oh sorry, wrong thing to focus on right now. Carry on.

We bonded over Ninja Turles being more awesome than Power Rangers and he even suggested we dress up like April and Casey for Halloween. Then date 5 came around and we were making out pretty hot and heavy in my bed, and after an hour I was like "Why am I still wearing pants?"And things started going downhill. He pretty much turned me down for sex, being like "I have reservations about you and if we sleep together it is something and you're thinking about moving to Florida and I don't want to get into something that has an end date."

Nugs: What is he, a woman? All you wanted was to see this dude naked. Doesn't mean you're going to draw up invitations.

Admittedly, I did do your genetic mash-up in my head. Your kids would have been smoking hot.

Call me, maybe?
God, I am SO sorry for that.

Ginny: Why do guys always think having sex means we want to get married and have kids and buy a pony? We can be like dudes too!

Lily: Totes! Gah! Guys think they're the only ones that can have NSA sex. 

Nugs: Wait. There are ponies?

Listen that is a fair point, (Nugs: About the ponies?I am thinking about moving but not till February and even then it's not set in stone that I am going to go. I might move in Feb. I might move in 10 years, and I told him that repeatedly.

He went home and I wallowed about no sex. We continued texting every day like nothing had happened, until finally on Saturday I pulled my courage together and asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner as I was making homemade spaghetti and meatballs. (Nugs: I'm in.) He was like "I don't think for dinner, but I'll come hang out later."

This is when all my red flag whistles and bells started going off. I come from a "He's just not that into you" school of dating and in the movie they even say "If he's not sleeping with you he's just not that into you." And dammit if he isn't sleeping with your or willing to eat your food there is a problem. So I confronted him on it and while he said that:

  • "You're awesome and cute and smart and funny and nerdy and witty"
  • "I like everything about you"
  • "I'm attracted to you"

He just doesn't feel a "fire" for me- basically he friendzoned me. Now I'm the kind of girl that takes people at their word. Nugs tends to have a different perspective on what men do and why they do it.

Nugs: I came to the reasonable conclusion that he is blind, deaf, mentally retarded and also gay. Oh, and has a small penis.

Lily: +1 on everything, and X1000 on the small penis. Or no penis.

I say exactly what I think and do and I don't hide behind excuses. So when he says he's just not that into me, I take his word at that.

Nugs: Seriously, I think it's the opposite- he IS that into you. He really likes you, but doesn't want something that will end when you (supposedly) leave the state in six months. It's a bullshit excuse, and also one that reeks of "I'm really a girl," but whatever. You're his perfect girlfriend, but he's too afraid to get involved because, like he said, there's an "end date." Whatever. Move on, see other people, and hopefully eventually he'll come around. If not, it's his loss.

I told him I still really liked him and that if his feelings changed he could call me, but I was going to start seeing other people. So internet world, what do you think?

Ginny: See other people. This guy wouldn't eat your home cooking and you deserve someone who is knocking down your door! I agree with Nugs. Small penis?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Allow Ourselves to Introduce.... Ourselves

Nugs: When I mentioned to my friends that I was considering starting a separate blog just to bitch about the lack of adequate penis in my life, a bunch of them were like, "why don't we just all do this together?"

Tits: Really, Nugs and I have been talking about doing this for a year because seriously our love lives are hilarious.

Nugs: I'm surprised this even made it off the ground, honestly. We always talk about doing stuff and then never get around to it. So, this is pretty exciting. For me, anyway.

Ginny: Exciting in the pants?...

This blog makes total sense since it seems like every conversation I have with my girls revolves around my unintentional celibacy. Tits has some of the best dating stories I've ever heard, for better or worse (mostly worse), Lily just recently announced her engagement (!!!!!!), (Lily: Who knew someone could make an honest woman out of me?) and Ginntastic has an awesome boyfriend. (Ginny: New boyfriend. I am totally not good at long term dating so I'm sure you'll hear plenty from me about that)

Meanwhile, despite all my self-deprecation, I happen to be in the middle of a very successful, 29-year-relationship. We never argue over which movie to watch or what to have for dinner, there's always an abundance of chocolate and lingerie and I always receive the BEST compliments. Oh, and no one is left sleeping unsatisfied in the wet spot. It's the best partnership I've ever had- I call this "masturdating."

Ginny: How have you made it work for so long?
I'm not touching that paragraph with a 39 and 1/2 foot pole. 
I. Don't. Know. What. To. Say?
Nugs: A 39 and 1/2 foot pole sounds kind of painful. I much prefer the lead pipe in the kitchen. Or the rope.

At any rate, the four of us- Coyote Tits, Ginntastic, Lily and myself- have decided that we should subject you all to the flukes, fails, and fatalities of human mating rituals- and sometimes, hopefully, even some fornication.

Enjoy. Or, we're sorry.
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