Flirting Like A 12-Year-Old Apparently Leads To Marriage

So, before I get started I should probably tell you all who I am. My name is Tabs (duh), and I’ve been friends with these ladies for something like 4 years now. You know how most sitcoms have that one token friend from another country? Well, I’m not THE token friend. But I’m close. I think it’s safe to say I’m a token Canadian. Kinda like Robin in How I Met Your Mother, except that I don’t live in NYC.... yet.

Nugs: If you want to relocate to NYC, no argument here. Just sayin.

Lily: So you were a pop sensation that toured malls?!

PS- Canada is still hilarious. 

When the girls asked me to write a post for their Valentine’s series I was like HELL YES! See, like my lovely nerdy friends here, I am incredibly socially inept. As fate would have it, so is my fiancé. The two of us are like one big mound of awkwardness.

Ginny: Am I the only extrovert on this blog who actually loves talking to anyone?

Tits: Nope, Extrovert right here. People just think I'm a bitch.

Nugs: Me too. But I've also been told that I come across as "intimidating."

I’m not normally one to rush into relationships. I like to take my time to get to know the person a bit first before we delve into stuff. But with Scott, I was head over heels from the moment I met him. We had only known each other for three days and we had already started the awkward flirtation. And by awkward, I mean those childish little tickle fights you use in high school to try and see if the other person will hold onto your hand. We spent the whole day doing this while watching Game of Thrones and Harry Potter.

Tits: This is still better than my version of flirting which is generally to act like the little boy who pulls pigtails. I just poke boys and tell them their sports team suck and expect them to swoon.

Ginny: This sounds like a pretty awesome day to me! Flirting + Game of Thrones + Harry Potter = YES

Nugs: FYI, Game of Thrones should usually not be one's base for a solid relationship. You might want to use it to choose your pets, though.

DRAGONS FOREVER.

When he suggested that we go out for dinner, I wasn’t sure if he was asking me out on a date or just casually suggesting he didn’t want to cook. (Nugs: That totally sounds like my bf. Not stealth.) After having held hands pretty much all day through our tickle fights, we didn’t even come close to touching each other as we left for dinner. At one point, I accidentally bumped into Scott and awkwardly apologized.

Lily: Ha! I do that too! But I'm also super clumsy.

Dinner was even worse. Although we talked a little bit, for the most part we both sat there awkwardly, trying to figure out if it was a date or not. I stuttered pretty much every time I spoke, and he had this nervous laugh that made him sound even nerdier than he is... in the bad way. I’m pretty sure our waiter got the ‘first awkward date’ vibes off us, because he popped over to check on us and strike up conversations more often than the typical waiter. Still unsure if it was a date or not, I fumbled for my wallet after we were done. Scott assured me dinner was on him, as it was appropriate for the man to pay. An indication I thought might mean it was a date, but I was still unsure. I later found out that asking me out for dinner and dropping the paying line was his attempt at getting me to confirm whether or not I thought it was a date, so he could figure it out too.

Tits: I feel like this is the premise to some indie romantic comedy. If its not a movie yet, it should be.

We went back to his apartment after and popped on a movie again. I think we both wanted to bring up the day’s events but we were both too nervous. He did grab my hand again, this time without the tickle fights.

When it was time for me to take the one-hour drive home, he walked me out to my car, still holding my hand. We stopped beside my car and he pulled me into a hug and we just sort of stood there. I shyly admitted that I hated that I had to leave, and he agreed. He hugged me again and I unlocked my car and opened the door.

To this day, Scott maintains that he had thought of a great way to ask me out in his head, but in that moment, he was so nervous that instead he blurted out “So does this mean we’re dating now?” (Lily: I just had flashbacks to 7th and 8th grade)

Tits: This is so adorable and incredibly nerdy that I approve of Scott all over again.

I had to laugh, which unfortunately made him even more nervous. “I don’t know, does it?”  I asked.

“I don’t know... do you want it to?”

“Do you?” I of course was screaming yes in my head but I didn’t want to say yes if he didn’t want to.

Tits: At this point I would have been all "yes it does" because I can't stand that back and forth not knowing shit and would be like "well since you're letting me make the decision..."

Nugs: Guys never get hints. Just look at my story from before.  

Eventually he said yes and we had our first kiss. He was kind of a bad kisser, so it was really weird, but me being damn good and all, well let’s just say he’s come a long way since then.

Ginny: He must have really swept you off your feet because sometimes a bad kisser can kill any feelings you might have.

My favourite part of the whole thing came after I had left though. I’m sure the girls here will remember that when I was dating my last boyfriend, I often got frustrated with the fact that he refused to change his Facebook status from ‘single’. I didn’t even care about having it saying that we were in a relationship, I just wanted him to take down that damn status that broadcasts that a person is still on the market.

Nugs: I remember that dude. What a world-class douche.

Tits: Yeah I hate that shit. I don't care if we're "facebook official" but don't go around acting like you can fuck anything you want and it won't have consequences.

I got a Facebook notification about five minutes after I left Scott’s place... saying that Scott had just updated his status to say he was in a relationship with me and asking me to confirm. Pretty sure I had a massive grin on my face the whole way home.

Lily: Awwwwww!!!

That was the beginning of one of the most awkward relationships ever. And now that I’m marrying him in two months, I hope that never changes.

Lily:  Triple awww!!!!!

Tits: So Cute!!

Nugs: Strongly Agreed. (Cue romcom end credits here) 

Ginny: Good job Scott ;)

Nugs: +5.

FYI, for those of you looking for more from Tabs, you can find her over at I Am, Therefore I Do. Thanks, Tabs, for guest blogging and letting us be lazy for another few days while we think of our next topic. If any of you ever want to post for us, drop us a line in the comments- we're always looking for minions!

Finding Love on AOL

Ivan and I first met while we were in high school. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. I spent a lot of time that summer partying. Well, that was the year all of my friends turned 15, and since we’re all Mexican, we were all having quineañeras (they’re like Sweet Sixteen parties, only more religious, and they have lots of booze). When I wasn’t partying, I was spending time at home being really lame.

Tits: I didn't have a quineañeras or a sweet sixteen. I feel like I missed out a ball gown and a chance to get cash.

Nugs: You had booze at 15? Then again, Jews drink wine at Passover when we're like, eight, which is probably why we're such good friends. 

Ginny: I've been to a few quineañeras. I was the albino white girl living in a Spanish neighborhood. They are FUN!

I started chatting it up on AOL Teens chat. And that is where I met my future husband. We never exchanged pictures, and only talked on the phone for hours before we actually met in person. We dated on and off throughout high school and when I left for college, we didn’t talk at all.

Hope no one needs the phone line!

Nugs: You know you were a 90's kid when...

Ginny: You know I always wanted to meet my boyfriend in a chat room. I'm not even kidding, this was back when people my age actually used chat rooms and not just spam bots for porn.

I stopped going in chatrooms after this (except for the 20sb one).

It wasn’t until 3 years ago that he called me because he wanted to get back together. I didn’t really want to because I knew we would just break up and get back together. I said no, but I agreed to be friends and I was surprised that he went for that. 

Nugs: I'm not. Guys always agree to be "friends" because there's always the possibility of something else.

Ginny: Wait he just contacted you out of the blue??

Yeah! He said he found my phone number while he was cleaning out his old room at his parent's house. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I'm pretty sure he just memorized it.

After a while, I started having feelings for him again and I was really angry at myself (and so were a lot of my friends). I don’t know why I allowed myself to have feelings for someone who had repeatedly broken up with me for stupid reasons. But, I did, and with a stern warning from my friends, I proceeded into this relationship.

I don’t remember ever going out on a date with Ivan in high school. Maybe we did and I’m intentionally blocking it out because it was that horrible. Our first “date” was about a year after we got back together. This sounds really bad, but, the first year we were together I was working a horrible job with horrible hours, and I was in school, and he was working nights. We had little to no mutual days off. It was a really bad 1^st year.

I had finally graduated and got a new job. We went out to celebrate that I was no longer working in retail hell. We went to dinner and had a really great time. Yet, we still wanted to be out and not go back to his house. So we decided to go watch a movie. X-Men First Class was recently released in theaters, so I told him I wanted to watch it. He was really confused why a girl really wanted to watch a comic book movie.

Tits: He obviously hasn't met us. Nugs would rather give up sex than miss the newest release of a comic book movie. She probably saw Batman & Robin in theaters.

Nugs: You don't know my life.

We searched for a movie theater that didn't have a lot of obnoxious patrons. Which in Chicago it's really hard to find. I took the executive decision to just go to a movie theater downtown. So, going to a movie theater downtown isn't so much of an issue. There's really no obnoxious ghetto kids talking throughout the movie, or anything really, prices are the same and the actual auditorium is smaller, and they have comfier (I did not know that was how you spelled that word- weird) seats.

We drove around for about 30 minutes trying to find a a place to park on the street. Everything single street had tow zone signs all over. Finally we found a spot, but it was a 15 minute limit. The movie was about to start, so I just told him to find the next parking garage that seemed reasonable. 

Ginny: I feel your pain living in Boston. Parking spot? What is this thing you call a parking spot?

We ended up parking across the street. The garage said it was $7 per hour. At most we'd be paying $21. I volunteered to pay for parking. We watch the movie, had popcorn and I finally felt like I was in a relationship that was leading somewhere.

We hung around downtown after the movie before going back to the garage. I put the little ticket into the machine to pay for parking. I saw the total and it was $50! There must have been some mistake. We weren't there for that long, at most the total should have been $28. Apparently, we don't know how to read. The $7 an hour rate only applied to parking Monday through Friday between the hours of 6am and 10 am .... this is mentioned in like 4 point font. (Nugs: Of course it is.) I paid the stupid $50. Needless to say, we don't go to the movies downtown anymore.

No matter how small the font.

A tale of romance and shingles. How Ginny met Derek.

Derek and I starting dating in May of 2012. We met the new old fashioned way, Okcupid. I had just ended a relationship of about 8 months in March. I decided to get back up on the dating horse but I wasn't expecting much.

Nugs: Is it wrong that when I saw "dating horse" I immediately thought of something really dirty? I also thought of this right afterward:

Tits: You would.

Nugs: It would have been a Fail if I didn't.

Okcupid can be really depressing. You start to think that there are no normal guys on here. Heck I'd even take a guy who can spell!

Tits: Understatement of the year.

During this time I reached out to a guy that I had blew off after a few dates during my last round of internet dating. He was a nice guy and I felt horrible for doing that to him. When I saw he was still on there I messaged him to apologize and he asked me out again. Then Derek messaged me.

At first I wasn't going to respond to his message because he only had one picture. For some reason I don't trust a guy with one picture but it was a clear picture of his face, not some sketch pic where you can't see what they look like. Plus he had a cute face and I loved his eyes.

Nugs: I've met Derek. He does have really nice eyes.

What really blew me away though was his message. Once I read it I realized this guy could actually form sentences and he read my profile. After checking out his profile I knew we would get along. We had a lot of similar interests and something about the way he wrote I liked.

Tits: And he didn't include the words "meat hole" or try to get you to sleep with him while his creepy girlfriend watched I'm sure.

Around the time I started talking to Derek I developed shingles on my butt and lower back. It was not fun, let me tell you. It was due to the stress of my bathroom being remodeled and it going horribly. I had been on medication and although I was still itchy and couldn't wear pants I said yes when he asked to meet up.

Nugs: "I don't think we should meet because you're not wearing pants," said NO GUY EVER.

Also, thanks to this and the movie Ted, I now know WAY more than I ever wanted to about Ginny's butt.


Lily: LMAO! I had that same thought when watching Ted all 5 million times.

Tits: I guess I ought to see this movie, but then I know nothing about Ginny's butt either.




Ginny: HEY! There are the annoying trashy Boston girls and then there's the sweet nice Boston girls. I only drop my Rs when I'm drunk or say blender or when I'm yelling.

We hit it off right away. I felt pretty comfortable so a few drinks in I dropped the s bomb "I'm getting over shingles on my butt and I can't wait to be able to wear pants again". Derek's reaction was amusement rather than horror which is good. I told him that I often just say things without really thinking them through.

At the end of our date while he walked me to the T he took off his sunglasses and handed them to me. He said "now you have to see me again so you can give me back my sunglasses." There may have been some kissing involved. It was really quite sweet. I gave him my sunglasses to return to me and well here we are nine months later.

Lily: Okay, so I'm really a sucker for all of this, because it brought a little tear to my eye. AND I played it in my head ... and it looked like a Nicholas Sparks movie.

*And if you're wondering about the other guy that I had been on a few dates with that I had blown off before, well I told him I met someone and he probably hates me. Poor guy, he was actually nice there just wasn't any spark.*

Poor guy. He probably feels like he got played.

Nugs: OK, so I met Derek a couple of weeks ago when I made one of my semi-yearly trips into Boston for Gin's birthday. We debuted the respective boyfriends to each other and they both passed our tests, according to the mass emails Gin and I sent out to the other Snark Girls. Once one of us hates you, well, that's pretty much it. Because you know, Chicks Before Dicks. So it's nice to know that both Mr. Ginny and Mr. Nugs have ben accepted by all. 

I actually have to give Derek a Golf Clap; meeting me for the first time together with Ginny in any vicinity that involves alcohol will usually cause any guy to look over his shoulder in fear for the rest of his life. I can't remember the last time Ginny and I hung out where we weren't off-the-scale drunk; most likely with some homoerotic activity, usually started by me. Well played, Mr. Ginny. Well played. 

Nugs' Wasted Opportunity

Nugs: Iron Man and I met totally by accident. I had just escaped from LA, so I was kind of like Kurt Russell, only smaller and less growly. And also with both my eyes and substantially less body hair.



Finding a dude was definitely the last thing I was concerned with. I'm currently still on the job hunt, and I'm crashing at my dad's until I settle into a suitable living situation. The first time I moved back to New York I made the disastrous mistake of dating the first guy that I met, so I was determined to hang out with my friends and focus on myself, leaving relationships on the back burner. I wasn't prepared for this at all.

Ginny: That's what they all say "It's me time!" and then they meet their future spouse.

Nugs: At least if I marry him I'll know that he's already seen Ginny and I wasted together. So I won't have to drop that bomb at the wedding.

I had been back East for about two weeks when I was messaged on Facebook by one of my oldest friends, who you guys may remember from That Ain't Kosher as Bri-Winning. He was hitting up our old Sunday night hangout with all our boys from my college days, so of course my presence was required.

Bri-Winning and I got to the bar and weren't there for ten minutes when Iron Man arrived. Apparently he and Bri-Winning had met a few months prior through another mutual friend and were usually both there on Sundays, but Bri-Winning didn't know whether or not he would be there that night. He introduced us, and I found myself immediately regretting my decision to not go with the V-neck top. Dude was hot. Then I found out he was a Penguins fan. Oh. Fail.

Too bad for you. RANGERS FOREVER.

Lily: Womp womp. Why don't people understand that these are serious issues?!

Tits: I love this guy and yet I hate him at the same time. I just can't deal with those Penguins fans.

Nugs: Right? I will never, ever raise a Flyers fan in my house. Or Devils. Sorry, Tits.

PS- Lily, you're getting married to a Packers fan. You can't say shit.

We ignored everyone else for about an hour until Bri-Winning came over to drive me home. I lingered for a while as I put on my jacket, waiting for Iron Man to offer me a ride (in the car, you pervs!), ask for my number, ANYTHING that would indicate the slightest hint of interest in continuing our conversation. I waited, and all that happened was a goodbye.

SAY WHAT.

Ginny: Guys do this all the time as in they don't get the hint when we're giving the hint.

Lily: The male species does not comprehend "hints".  And sometimes, they don't even get it when you're telling them directly.

Tits: You could write the hints on a two by four and beat them over the head with it and they would still not get it. I can't tell you how many times I have said something to Imac only for him to forget in less than 3 seconds.

 Nugs: Ugh, YES. Unless you include the words "sandwich," "beer," or boobies!!!!!!".

I spent the next two days going over this (sorry, Tits), wondering how I (again) could have fucked things up. (OMG this was torture, Nug's ability to over-analyze is epic) (Do you really want to play this game with me? Because this will end in a tie. Or a marshmallow fight.) I concluded that I definitely should have worn the V-neck after all.

Then, when I was checking my Facebook, I noticed a friend request. It was Iron Man. He was on, and sent me a message on Facebook chat. I kept it totally cool while texting like nine of my friends in the process, even while he asked me to go for drinks that weekend.

One of his friends was bartending that night, which is very bad for me because the shots were free and I hold my liquor even worse than a freshman sorority girl. The drinks kept coming (Haha. "Coming."), and being sufficiently loaded allowed me to "question" him about his lack of follow-through:

Me: So what was your deal? I totally didn't expect to hear from you.
IM: About that. I just figured I would find you on Facebook through [Bri-Winning].
Me: Well, that makes no sense. You should have just gotten my number.
IM: Yeah, after you left, I was kind of like, "you stupid motherfucker."
Me: Actually, me too.

*drink*

Me: So how did you find me on Facebook? Did you go through [Bri-Winning's] friends or something?
IM: Yeah, I saw somebody that I thought was you. Then I went through some pictures and I was sure.
Me: Stalking. Classy. Did you go through the ones on the stripper pole?
IM: There are ones on a stripper pole?
Me: Really? I thought those would be the first ones you looked at, considering you've been talking to my boobs for like twenty minutes.

IM: Shit. You noticed that?
Me: It's pretty obvious.

Tits: In fairness to him, your tits do come through the door about 2 minutes before the rest of your body. It's hard to miss them.

Nugs: AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The more we imbibed, the more the conversation slipped heavily into unintentional porn:

Me: (after he asked about my job) So, what do you do?
IM: I'm a pimp.
Me: .......
IM: (explains actual job. He's not serious- he's not really a pimp, but it's close.)

By this time I had downed at least two glasses of vodka and three double shots of tequila, and I didn't know which one of him was real- the one on the left or the one on the right. I was super hammered, so I was sort of relieved when it was time for last call. We walked out to the car and had a relatively normal drive back to my dad's house which I do not remember at all until the end.

We sat in the driveway, and it was one of those typical first date moments where he was probably thinking about whether he should go for it and I was probably thinking about whether he would go for it, or I would have been if I weren't smashed out of my mind. Before I could even take this in, he leaned over and it happened, and even though I was heavily dosed on tequila I knew that it was good. I straightened myself up, said my goodbye and exited the car. I barely made it to the bathroom before I lay down next to the toilet. I woke up the next morning fully clothed with a pounding headache, my face pressed against the tile.

Tits: This seems to be the proper order in life: Making out and then vomiting up everything you have eaten for the day.

Lily: I have an awesome visual of you looking hung over...

I was totally convinced that once again, I was destined to adopt nine cats and move into the comic book store, but IM actually texted me the next day and invited me out with his friends. "Shocked" does not even begin to cover my reaction, although he still claims he had no idea how intoxicated I really was that night. He probably just thought I was being a bitch. Although he does kind of enjoy that, which explains why we're still together. Either that, or he really likes V-necks.

Ginny: there is nothing wrong with having a lot of cats!


Nugs: Or lemurs. For some reason, I'm now obsessed with lemurs.

This dude.

Don't Call It A Comeback

Seriously, don't. There is an explanation as to why we've been gone for so long and essentially, you can all blame the Holiday Season. Basically all of us were too busy dealing with binge eating/family circus/opening presents (or in Tits' case, spending an obscene amount of cash on her dogs (Tits: Bitch I got them Flea Medication)) to remember to post. Sorry. We love you, and it probably won't happen again. Possibly. Maybe.

So here's what's went on during our month-long sabbatical:

LILY: I've officially moved in with Ivan. Well, unofficially officially because I don't pay rent and my mail doesn't get set there.

GINNY: I watched a lot of Doctor Who. This is important. David Tennant is important. 

Nugs: Rory is also important. He's usually overlooked, which is unfair because hell-O.

Seriously though, besides that I've been pretty busy at work and just living life. My brother came to visit in December so I was also spending some time with my family too.

TITS: During December, Imac and I went to Florida to meet the respective parents. My family used me to run errands, make dinner and wrap presents. Imac's mom nagged us about getting married and having kids even though we haven't been dating a year. Then I spent January looking for a new place to live as my lease is expiring.


Lily: I've also been looking into getting an apartment (so we don't have to live with other people) ... apartment hunting is hard.

NUGS: Tell me about it. There's always one deal-breaker, like a mal-functioning faucet, creepy landlord or sitting atop an indian burial ground. Anyway, as for me-

As much as I tried to avoid this life-altering event like Kim Kardashian avoids nuclear physics, I turned thirty.

 Honestly, it really doesn't feel that much different from 29, probably because I'm still giggling at the word "feel."

Despite having a whopping case of this "mutant cold" that's been going around (as if I didn't feel old enough already), my birthday, referred to (by me) as Zero Dark Thirty, was nice and low-key, with a guest-appearance by honorary Snark and Sex-er Tabs. Since I was sick, I'm planning a do-over in the summer when it's hot and I can have drinks by the pool.

Ginny: Winter birthdays suck. (Nugs: Strongly agree.) My birthday either falls on a massive snow storm or the super bowl. It's all about me people NOT football.

Lily: My birthday is just there. Nothing important in March.

Nugs: That means it's all about you. Score!

Tits: My birthday is on mother-fucking Cinco De Mayo, which means I have to spend every birthday eating Mexican food and taking tequila shots and generally sharing it with a non-real Mexican holiday. It is never about me.

Nugs: Are you kidding? That is ALWAYS about you! Badass.

Tits: Are you kidding? It's more like "oh its your birthday? Want to come do tequila shots at our preplanned Cinco De Mayo Festivities because we totes forgot it was your Bday."

Anyway...

Speaking of hot, I'm no longer the token Single Girl here at Snark & Sex. The Mayans were probably one year off because I have actually tricked some guy into liking me enough to keeping me around after sleeping with me. We met through friends at a bar and have been together a little over a month, and he seems relatively normal. I have heretofore dubbed him "Iron Man," and since my S&S avatar is Donna Troy of the DC lexicon, I'm predicting a merge of the most epic proportions. If I don't fuck this up. Which is probably a given if he ever gets a glimpse at my robot collection.

(In case you're all wondering, he doesn't look anything like RDJ, or I would have already married him.)

Please. I'm taken, not dead.

We'll be heading to Boston next weekend for Ginny's birthday, so she'll have plenty of opportunity to tell you guys all about him when she unfairly judges him. It is her job, you know.

Ginny: I'm turning 29 25 guys!

Nugs: Yeah, and I just turned 22 for the 16th time in a row. None of you get to say shit about being old ever again.

Lily: And here I thought that I felt old ....

So there are your updates on why we've (not) been ignoring you guys the last month. We've reconvened just in time for Valentine's Day, because we're a dating blog so of course, and we'll be posting on our respective relationships (note: Tits' first date with Imac is HILARIOUS).

Ginny: I don't know... did Tits' first date involve shingles on her butt? Mine did.

Tits: Did he get drunk and spend the whole night acting like you had cooties?

Nugs: Did you get drunk and spend the entire night hoping he wouldn't notice and then make it safely home only to fall asleep next to your toilet?

We're also looking for guest bloggers to share your public awkwardness, so if you're interested, drop us a comment and let us know. We're taking submissions (that's what she said) about first date/meeting stories from now until Valentine's Day. Also, guys- we want to hear from you too!

Holy Mother Of...

Nugs: My birthday is fast approaching, and as the oldest first-born member of Snark & Sex, I'm the first one to leave behind her twenties. I'm also the only one of us that's still so fucking single that the most excitement I just had was mass-texting like 18 people about how I went to opening night of The Hobbit. With my brother. Also my iPhone kept auto-correcting the word "Bilbo."

Ginny: The Shire is back bitches!!

This, of course, does not sit well with my Jewish Mother, who is constantly trying to think of new and interesting ways to lasso me a Baby Daddy. These include:

• online dating
• going to places alone like a creepy stalker
• her friends' sons who happen to live thousands of miles away
• the personals Ginny: Don't do this because I'm afraid you'll be murdered. Nugs: Right there with ya, Gin.
• Star Trek conventions
• trips to the zoo (don't even ask)

What in the... just no.

For those of you of the Jewish persuasion, you know exactly what I'm referring to when I capitalize the terms "Jewish" and "Mother." For those of you who haven't been personally familiarized with this phenomenon, I'm indescribably jealous.

Tits: I'm pretty sure everyone in the world knows what you mean by the term "Jewish Mother." Unless they have been living under a rock and have never caught an episode of the Nanny. I'm pretty sure Nug's could make her own Shit Jewish Mothers Say video.

Nugs: I totally missed the boat on that meme. Much like when you wondered why I didn't get that waiter's phone number instead, I question why I don't yet run all my life decisions through you.

I do, of course, adore my mom- as far as parents go, I definitely hit the jackpot with both of them. However, my Jewish Mother does have the tendency to- should we say- overstep. It's a running joke in my family- if we want the world to know what's going on in our lives, tell Mom not to say anything, and within an hour it will be on the news in at least four continents. I remember one Facebook conversation in particular I had with my brother when he had just started dating his most recent girlfriend and we were debating just how much our Jewish Mother needed to know about the relationship. We finally agreed on "as little as possible" in case Mom decided to buy them matching burial plots.

Tits: This is a totally respectable thing to do. I told my parents about Imac too early and they begged me to bing him to every family function even though we hadn't been dating 3 months. I've managed to hold off all the way till christmas. WINNING. 

Nugs: I love you.

Ginny: My mother offered me a burial plot in Michigan. Why would I want to be buried in Michigan? Sorry, I just had to share that.

Nugs: Our family's is in New Jersey. Again, I state- NEW JERSEY. NOT WINNING.

Anyway, we digress. The following conversation with my brother took place on a Monday between 8pm and 10pm, PST:




Nugs: So what did you lead with? "I'm dating someone" or "she's a lawyer?"
Brother Nugs: Does it matter?
Nugs: Not really. Either way Mom is already blueprinting the sonogram.
Brother Nugs: Also I told Mom she doesn't have Facebook.
Nugs: Does she?
Brother Nugs: Of course she does. Everyone is on Facebook.
Nugs: Ahahaha. Well played.

Nugs: Remember when I dated a Jewish lawyer? After a month she was already drafting wedding invites.
Brother Nugs: Yeah. I remember him. That guy was a douchebag. For some reason Mom really liked him though.
Nugs: Jewish. And lawyer. Although Mom likes anyone who she thinks is going to implant me with their seed.
Brother Nugs: You're definitely next.
Nugs: She's like, "How about that nice kid in the next apartment?" And I'm like, "No Mom. He's 16, and a Klansman."
Brother Nugs: She probably likes that at least he has high-thread count sheets that get frequently washed. You need better excuses.

As with 95% of Jewish Mothers (there was a poll) (Tits: I don't think this needs a poll), my mom gets super excited at the mere mention of a boy even glancing in my general direction because clearly, this means that I'll be married within six months. Unfortunately for her (and me), she often wanders too far into the deep end and leaves me without a pair of floaties. Observe, the Tale of the Attack of the Family Circus, submitted for your approval (or not):



I had just started dating The Subscription (for more on that trainwreck, click this link), and we were supposed to hit up a Halloween party at a local bar. Since we all know how Jazz Hands! I go for Halloween, I had offered to help him pick out his costume; then he would come back later and we would go to the party. That also, coincidentally, happened to be the weekend that my mom was staying with me, so the chances that he and I would finally be getting down were probably pretty marginal. Such is my life. Anyway:

I had briefed my Jewish Mother on the situation and had let her know that while Friday night was Girls' Night, Saturday belonged to my new guy. Apparently my scheduling capabilities weren't enough for her, as this then led to the following exchange:

Jewish Mother: Is he going to come in before you leave so I can meet him?
Nugs: Unquestionably 100 percent no.
JM: Why not?
Nugs: Because I want him to keep liking me.
JM: What is that supposed to mean?
Nugs: Nothing, Mom. I love you. Eat your kugel.

Tits' Sidenote: While I am not Jewish I love me some kugel (even though I always want to pronounce it "quigel") and the only time I ever had it was when my Jewish Freshman roommate's mother sent her back with some from over Thanksgiving. It had pineapples and cheese and was amazing. Anyways this is totally off topic.

Nugs' Sidenote: Kugel is actually one of the only Jewish foods that is not totally disgusting. There's a reason all our edibles have the syllable "ugh" in it. Anyway...

 I met The Subscription at the store, where we debated on what to wear that night. I practically pleaded with him to get the Superman costume, to which he responded that he wasn't wearing "no fucking tights." In retrospect, it's probably better off that my future offspring aren't going to share 50% of his genetics.

Tits: I actually respect him for being "No fucking tights;" those things ride up your ass like a motherfucker.

I'll take "All my hopes and dreams" for $100, Alex.

Nugs: We explored the aisles until we settled on suitable outfits for both of us and made our way towards the register. I was almost home free until I turned towards the checkout area- and came face-to-face with the Jewish Mother.

Nugs: MOM?!?!
JM: You must be [The Subscription]! I've heard a lot about you.
The Subscription: Um...
Nugs: *dies*
JM: You're right, he's cute. Well, see you at home!
Nugs: *and...puddle on the floor* Oh. God.
TS: It's cool. My mother's Italian, I get it.

Ginny: Your mom needs to have her own tv show.

Tits: Catholic Mothers are the second worst next to Jewish ones. That's what the poll said anyways. While I wasn't raised Catholic, my mother and grandmother were and they know how to make you feel guilty over everything. It's like an art form.

Ginny: Only my grandmother can guilt trip me into going to church. She's really good at it!

Nugs: Totally. My mother is such an expert at the Guilt Trip that I swear she taught the class. Actually, she was probably Dean of the entire school. As for our respective celebrations, the most important of the Jewish holidays is Yom Kippur, where we basically sit around all day and think about what an asshole we are. Also, while all of you guys get happy, fun movies like Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Carol and Home Alone, the closest thing Jews get to a holiday classic is Schindler's List. So make of this what you will.

Ginny: What about 8 Crazy Nights? Is that a Jewish classic?

Nugs: That is a Jewish abortion. But thanks for checking. <3

Perhaps the best (or worst) part of this whole calamity is that my mom sees absolutely nothing wrong with anything she ever says or does. She never thinks any of her children should be humiliated by any of the ways she chooses to express her love, no matter how cracked or unhinged they may make her appear. Whenever I question why I'm still without an appropriate lifemate, as if on cue, my mother's number comes up on the Caller ID and I think, "oh...right."

BRB, dying alone forever.

Ginny: Not true. Your mom will always be there ;)

Tit's Rules to Surviving Thanksgiving

So it's Thanksgiving time in the grand ole' USA and with that comes my first Thanksgiving with my Boyfriend and his family. My family decided to flee to Florida without me and so I didn't have anywhere to go until Imac was like "I have to go to my Grandfathers, come make it more bearable?" (He's a winner isn't he?). With that in mind, if you are like me and are going to have your first Thanksgiving with a significant other's family here are some handy rules for things you might not want to do:

1. Do Not bring your dog. I don't care how cute precious is and that she's normally so well-behaved and fits in your purse. Don't do it. 


2. Do Not wear sweat pants, ugg boots and old tank-top - at least try to look like you are making an effort.


3. Do Not complain about the food - I don't care if it doesn't taste like your grandma's mashed potatoes and so what that they have oysters at their dinner. Keep your bitching to yourself.


4. If you have a food allergy tell someone in advanced - My sisters are lactose intolerant and so we tell everyone like 20 times in advance or bring our own food. Don't show up and be like "yeah I'm gluten free, vegan and allergic to garlic."


5. Do Not try to have sex at their house- Can you spell awkward? Nugs: That never happened to me that one time in college or anything. I guess if its a three-story house with an attic and you are tied in the attic it might be acceptable


6. Do Not flirt with someone who isn't your date - I don't care if his older brother is brad fucking pitt, wait till after Thanksgiving to flirt with him. Nugs: Unless his brother is Baby Goose. Then all bets are totally off, and no one would blame you. 


7. Do Not get drunk - Even if the family makes you fucking insane, try to limit yourself to enough wine to just get you tipsy.

Nug's Addendums:


8. Do Not smoke- Anything. Even if offered. This is clearly a trick. Again, this never happened to me, ever.


9. Do Not bring up taboo topics- Find out what they are in advance and avoid them at all costs. Whether this be religion, politics, cats vs. dogs, the New York Yankees a.k.a. the Evil Empire or Dancing With the Stars, learn what gets your date's family all wonky and DO NOT DISCUSS.


10. Do know how to dress- I don't care if your "best feature" is your amazing rack; it's probably not the best idea to shove it in his parents' face. Usually a nice pair of jeans and a dressy top that doesn't put the goods on display is your best bet. Unless, of course, his brother is Baby Goose. See Rule #6.


11. Do know how to win over the parents- While this may seem like the ultimate in horrific situations, don't commit suicide just yet. Basically the key to mastering this art is dealing with each family member individually:



• THE MOM: This is the most difficult, since by showing up at her Thanksgiving feast is an admission that you're being railed on the regular by her baby boy (doesn't matter what his birth order is; he will ALWAYS be her baby boy). The trick to winning over his mother is to go on and on about how amazing her son is (not in that way, because GROSS). Also offer to help out during dinner as often as you can, especially with dishes. Getting his mom to love you is by far the most important because if she hates you, it only goes downhill from there. Seriously I been there with a mom hating me. I always like to volunteer to bring something like cookies or wine.
• THE DAD: The males of the family are always easier for me, probably because I'm half a dude myself and I realize now how weird that made me sound. The best strategy for the father is innocent flirting- "oh, Mr. Gosling, I see where your son gets his great ass. Eyes! I meant eyes." Just kidding. Never talk about anyone's ass. Keep it to neutral topics such as intelligence and snappy dressing, or radiation levels.
• SIBLINGS: Dealing with siblings is usually more manageable due to the fact that your date will probably brief you on the situation prior to your arrival. If one of their brothers or sisters is exceptionally unbearable you'll most likely have been prepared for it way in advance. For the regular, more normal siblings, conquering them should be relatively (see what I did there?) more simple: 
• BROTHERS: Brothers are pretty painless- just sit down in front of the TV and watch the football game with them. If you're a fan, don't hold back with the commentary. If you're not, let them know that you're "trying to get into it." Also, it helps if you're moderately attractive. Just sayin. 
• SISTERS: Contrary to what my scintillating personality may have you believing, I am, in fact, of the feminine persuasion, so I am aware that the best way to charm a woman is to let her talk about herself. Find out from your date what she's into and ask her questions, and let her dominate the conversation. You're in.

12. Do use this handy guide from HappyPlace.com with your own family- Trust me, you'll thank me later.

 

Taking Back Sunday

Nugs: As the token single girl here at Snark & Sex, I'm also the only one of us that's still maneuvering through the amusing, eluding and often embarrassing world of first-dating. Here in LA this has become increasingly difficult; maybe due to the fact that not everyone will be as impressed as I am at my ability to numerically recite all the doctors from Doctor Who (backwards and forwards!) and say "no" in Klingon (although armed with this so-called skill I seriously doubt that I should be saying "no" to anyone).

When I lived in New York, I wouldn't call myself a dating expert, of course, or all your wedding invitations would be in the mail. I did, however, have a few serious relationships, and some less important (but just as fun) ones in between. Of course, I also had a weakness for bartenders and guys in bands. You live, you learn- supposedly.

Ginny: I used to be all about the band dudes and bartenders. What was I thinking? I probably wasn't thinking....

Nugs: There's like a hierachy of Guys We Shouldn't Sleep With But Totally Do Anyway. Those are like, Numbers 1 and 2.

Anyway, then I moved to LA, and meeting a decent guy has not been easy to accomplish- most don't get past the "getting my number" phase, if that. I think in the few years that I've lived here, off and on, I've been on maybe four dates, including one that was so bad that I almost converted so I could join a convent. This, BTW, is a common complaint with most of the girls that I've met here as well.

Tits: She goes on and on about how guys in LA are just the worst and I keep saying they can't be any worse than guys everywhere else. So can any else living in LA validate Nug's experiences that LA guys are the worst?

Nugs: ****crickets****

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was at my friends' band's show, and the guy next to me started a conversation. He was cute, and tall, had good taste in music and we knew some of the same people. We stepped outside so we could actually speak to each other without screaming, and when I mentioned that my other friend was playing the next night, he asked for my number. "Yeah, this'll happen," I thought, but I gave it to him anyway.

Ginny: You go girl!

Nugs: Yeah, not so fast with those accolades, there.

The next day I was with my dad, watching the Jets' humiliating loss to the Pats (quiet, Ginny), when I got a text from Champagne Supernova, so named because if I could predict the future, I would have foreseen the 75 drinks he consumed in an hour long period.

Ginny: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLONUGSLOVESTOMBRADY

Yes, let's PLEASE bring this up as often as possible.

Ginny: *spikes ball Gronk style* YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!

Nugs: Go a little to the left; that's my artery. How did those Red Sox do, BTW?

He asked me what time my friends were going on, and I told him 10:30, but I was going in early to eat. He didn't take that bait, but we texted on and off randomly through the rest of the day. I thought there was a chance this might actually occur, but it's me, so it would most likely be hilarious/horrific.

Ginny: Ok why would he not be like "oh do you want to have dinner together then?" Not a deal breaker but more of a thing to ponder about.

Nugs: Right? Definitely what I was thinking.

I arrived at the venue around 9:45, so I texted Champagne Supernova to let him I know I was there, and he should let me know when he arrived so I could get him in. I stood there by myself like a jackass and it was incredibly awkward until a few of my friends showed up around 10:15 and we grabbed a table. At exactly 10:30 Champagne Supernova told me he was 20 minutes away, which would have been more annoying if I weren't with a group of people already, who as it turned out were having a party that night and kept trying to convince me to leave with them. I finally called Champagne Supernova at 11:30 and asked how far away he was, and he was "parking." An hour late. This is usually a huge deal killer with me, considering he hadn't even thought it appropriate to give me a heads up.

Tits: So wait, his date was to go to a concert you were already going to because its your friend's band? Thats not a date that's him conveniently showing up. -10 for being a lazy ass.

-110 for showing up an hour late. UNACCEPTABLE. I don't even like IMac to show up 15 minutes late. I'm all "bitch my time is just as important as yours and I don't have time to wait around on your inconsiderate ass."

Ginny: Showing up late on the first date is very bad. And it doesn't seem like he really cared.

Nugs: He also texted me asking if I smoke weed, because he was going to pick some up. Look, I don't give a shit whether you do or you don't, and especially in LA, the majority that do is astronomically high. It just seemed like bad form to ask that over text when we hadn't even gone out yet, and considering he was already late, DON'T MAKE ANOTHER STOP. Also, where did he assume we were going to partake in this activity, because seeing as how this was Date #1, was I just going to come over to his house?

Ginny: Dude have some class and tone down the grass (ok that was lame I'm sorry)

Nugs: I actually laughed at that.


Tits: -50 because What the Hell was he thinking? But +50 to the bear because he's awesome.

Nugs: Strongly agree. Up top.

Anyway, he finally arrived, and since by this time the band was totally over, we decided to hit up a really awesome bar that I was familiar with and was close to my apartment, so I could run if necessary. We took a seat, and I noticed that he didn't open any doors for me, pull out my chair, or whatever. I'm totally capable of doing these things for myself, of course, but it would have been nice, especially since he was an hour late. He also spent the entire dinner on his phone, Facebooking, and barely made any eye contact. It's like, if you're not even going to try, why should I bother? My friends' party started to seem pretty appealing.

Ginny: !!!!!!!!!!!!! (*$&$(&%*)$%) *$#()%)U !!!!!!!!! just NO. So rude.

Tits: And this is when I would have been like I have to go... wash my hair/ get a root canal/reload my pistol so that when the zombie invasion comes I have a reason to murder you (don't judge you know if the zombie invasion happened there are some people who you would kill and be all "Wut they weren't a zombie just a horrible person? Same dif.).

We sat down, and Champagne Supernova informed me that he originally wasn't going to come because he was tired. "So like, you were just going to stand me up?" "No, I was going to tell you. I'm not a dick." Yeah, I'll be the judge of that. He also let me know that at the last minute he did decide to shower, and when he told me he was "20 minutes away" he was actually still at his house because he had just woken up.

Tits: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST WALK OUT? OR GET AN "EMERGENCY CALL?"

Nugs: Well, technically I did. Read on.

We talked a little about work, and he seemed genuinely interested in my job. He had mentioned before that he too worked in film, so I believed that we had that in common, until he dropped the bomb that he was really a "musician first."

FUCKFUCKFUCKGODDAMMITFUCK. Why do they always find me? What is there, like, a convention or something? Is my picture on a wall, like a dartboard? Do they draw my name out of a guitar case, and whoever finds it gets me for the year?

Ginny: Well maybe he plays the recorder or something so he thinks he's a musician. At least this is what I'm picturing in my head. I played the recorder in 3rd grade so yea I'm a pretty bad ass musician.

Nugs: Technically I took a week's worth of piano lessons when I was eight. So, bonus?

We both ordered drinks (my second of the night; his fifth, apparently- Ginny, should we set up a Man Date with Liquid Lunch?), an app, and split a dessert. Our waiter was cool- he was fast, efficient, made great recommendations and was able to hold a witty conversation. Despite the fact that Champagne Supernova was a tool, some of the things he said were kind of funny, and I was able to talk to him. Also, during our meal, my friends were blowing up my phone, still trying to get me to come over, and I do have to admit that I was very tempted- especially when Champagne Supernova suggested that I eat more because I "needed more meat on me."

Dude. NEVER comment on a girl's weight. NEVER EVER EVER.

Tits: -10000 I mean I tell Nugs to eat a fucking pie all the time cause bitch is skinny, but when a guy does it, its just rude and obnoxious.

Nugs: That's because you and I are superclose and you can get away with that shit. Also sometimes you choose not to even validate my ridiculous Jew neuroses with an answer. But yeah, on a first date? Bitch, please.

Let's see how many posts we can use this pic in.

Also, not really a fan of pie. But red velvet cake? I'll take two, KTHNX.

Also Also- is anyone keeping track of how far into the negative numbers this guy has slipped at this point? Because I am really bad at math and at this point I just want to say -NO.

Then the bill came, and I politely extracted my Visa from its cave in my purse. I always do this, even though I am a firm believer in the policy that a guy always pays on the first date. It's not only a test to see how much longer the evening will progress, but also to show him that if the relationship will push forward, that yes, I am capable of providing for myself. It usually works in my favor, so what I did not expect is a) the cost of my simple vodka and pineapple ($14!!!) and b) for Champagne Supernova to enthusiastically agree ("you want to split? Cool!"). When he asked the waiter for separate checks, the look he got was great. It was obvious we were on a date, and the waiter stared at him like, "Seriously?"

Ginny: FAIL. Every guy should know that a girl is only doing this to be nice. We don't expect to pay on the first date. I don't expect a guy to pay for every date but the first is a must.

Tits: Please tell me you got the waiters number? Because I already like him better.

Nugs: DAMN, I wish I'd thought of that. You are so smart.

He also turned out to be an incredibly shitty tipper, shelling out 10% and insisting that this is the norm. I have done everything in the service industry (bar/waitstaff/hostess/etc) and some of my best friends are/were restaurant workers. This, to me, is the ultimate dealbreaker. You, sir, are an asshole.

Tits: I want his name, number, address and a headshot so that I can make sure to publicly humiliate him on the interwebz for being a horrible person.

Nugs: I think I actually might still have his business card somewhere. Check your inbox.

I decided to make him drop me off at the grocery store a block from my apartment- better to be safe than stalked. I told him I was meeting one of my girls who was in trouble (believable, since my phone had been ringing all night), and he replied, "Wow, that's really co-dependent." So he doesn't care about anybody else besides himself? Score! In reality I had excused myself to go to the bathroom at the bar and told my friends to pick me up at my place in half an hour.

Tits: There are just no words left for this guy. When did it become co-dependent to help a friend in trouble? No thats called being a good person and not a completely selfish, narcissistic, self-absorbed asshole who is too good for people.

Nugs: A few days later I was on Facebook with an old hookup, recounting the events that had gone down. This dude was no prize either- the most gentlemanly thing he ever did was move my hair out of the way- but even he was like, "Wow. What a dick."

And there you have it. The charming account of my terrible date. At least I can say that it's funny.

Tits: He really is the worst date ever. Props for not throwing him in front of a bus and calling it an accident, because I might have.

Ginny: Well you gave it a shot and that's all you can do right? This guy will be alone forever if this is how he acts. ENJOY!

Nugs: In case you guys are wondering, (you're not), I'm still wretchedly single.