Tit's Rules to Surviving Thanksgiving

So it's Thanksgiving time in the grand ole' USA and with that comes my first Thanksgiving with my Boyfriend and his family. My family decided to flee to Florida without me and so I didn't have anywhere to go until Imac was like "I have to go to my Grandfathers, come make it more bearable?" (He's a winner isn't he?). With that in mind, if you are like me and are going to have your first Thanksgiving with a significant other's family here are some handy rules for things you might not want to do:

1. Do Not bring your dog. I don't care how cute precious is and that she's normally so well-behaved and fits in your purse. Don't do it. 


2. Do Not wear sweat pants, ugg boots and old tank-top - at least try to look like you are making an effort.


3. Do Not complain about the food - I don't care if it doesn't taste like your grandma's mashed potatoes and so what that they have oysters at their dinner. Keep your bitching to yourself.


4. If you have a food allergy tell someone in advanced - My sisters are lactose intolerant and so we tell everyone like 20 times in advance or bring our own food. Don't show up and be like "yeah I'm gluten free, vegan and allergic to garlic."


5. Do Not try to have sex at their house- Can you spell awkward? Nugs: That never happened to me that one time in college or anything. I guess if its a three-story house with an attic and you are tied in the attic it might be acceptable


6. Do Not flirt with someone who isn't your date - I don't care if his older brother is brad fucking pitt, wait till after Thanksgiving to flirt with him. Nugs: Unless his brother is Baby Goose. Then all bets are totally off, and no one would blame you. 


7. Do Not get drunk - Even if the family makes you fucking insane, try to limit yourself to enough wine to just get you tipsy.

Nug's Addendums:


8. Do Not smoke- Anything. Even if offered. This is clearly a trick. Again, this never happened to me, ever.


9. Do Not bring up taboo topics- Find out what they are in advance and avoid them at all costs. Whether this be religion, politics, cats vs. dogs, the New York Yankees a.k.a. the Evil Empire or Dancing With the Stars, learn what gets your date's family all wonky and DO NOT DISCUSS.


10. Do know how to dress- I don't care if your "best feature" is your amazing rack; it's probably not the best idea to shove it in his parents' face. Usually a nice pair of jeans and a dressy top that doesn't put the goods on display is your best bet. Unless, of course, his brother is Baby Goose. See Rule #6.


11. Do know how to win over the parents- While this may seem like the ultimate in horrific situations, don't commit suicide just yet. Basically the key to mastering this art is dealing with each family member individually:



• THE MOM: This is the most difficult, since by showing up at her Thanksgiving feast is an admission that you're being railed on the regular by her baby boy (doesn't matter what his birth order is; he will ALWAYS be her baby boy). The trick to winning over his mother is to go on and on about how amazing her son is (not in that way, because GROSS). Also offer to help out during dinner as often as you can, especially with dishes. Getting his mom to love you is by far the most important because if she hates you, it only goes downhill from there. Seriously I been there with a mom hating me. I always like to volunteer to bring something like cookies or wine.
• THE DAD: The males of the family are always easier for me, probably because I'm half a dude myself and I realize now how weird that made me sound. The best strategy for the father is innocent flirting- "oh, Mr. Gosling, I see where your son gets his great ass. Eyes! I meant eyes." Just kidding. Never talk about anyone's ass. Keep it to neutral topics such as intelligence and snappy dressing, or radiation levels.
• SIBLINGS: Dealing with siblings is usually more manageable due to the fact that your date will probably brief you on the situation prior to your arrival. If one of their brothers or sisters is exceptionally unbearable you'll most likely have been prepared for it way in advance. For the regular, more normal siblings, conquering them should be relatively (see what I did there?) more simple: 
• BROTHERS: Brothers are pretty painless- just sit down in front of the TV and watch the football game with them. If you're a fan, don't hold back with the commentary. If you're not, let them know that you're "trying to get into it." Also, it helps if you're moderately attractive. Just sayin. 
• SISTERS: Contrary to what my scintillating personality may have you believing, I am, in fact, of the feminine persuasion, so I am aware that the best way to charm a woman is to let her talk about herself. Find out from your date what she's into and ask her questions, and let her dominate the conversation. You're in.

12. Do use this handy guide from HappyPlace.com with your own family- Trust me, you'll thank me later.

 

Tits Says: The Failtanic Hit an Iceberg

So over on my personal blog I talk a lot about online dating. Now I'm currently taken, again, but I did my fair share of online dating while I was single and there was a lot of LOLWUTS during it. I mean besides my stage-five clinger, who seemed normal at first, I've gotten a lot of weird ass people messaging me. This prompted me to find some of the best/worst profiles on online dating. I was not disappointed:

The name alone is a bad idea there, but then he has to say "no games and no drama!!" Which just means he dates crazy bitches and may possibly be one. (Nugs: May???) Also what kind of job do you have that you can't post pics? Do you work for the CIA? Are you a nazi- terrorist?

Nugs: My guess is Taco Bell employee. (Tits: Most Likely)

Ginny: Any person who says "no games and no drama" really means "I love jerking you around and I will be super controlling and treat you like crap". I'm pretty sure there has to be a documented experiment proving this somewhere. 

Also his job is probably living in mom's basement.

Nugs: Is it wrong that "frostyfatdik" makes me think of Dairy Queen?

Do you have any questions for him? Also bonus points for the capitalization and random emoticons.

Ginny: I have a question :p is this a smiley face with a bunch of chins? :))) p.s. nice popped collar.

Nugs: This is easily the most hilarious thing that you have ever said, Ginny. Please don't be this funny when I'm at work.

My boyfriend sent me this one and it actually inspired this post:

Click to Read! You won't be disappointed

Nugs: !!!!!!!!!!

Well that explains why she looks so butch.

Ginny: I'm wondering if this person is lying so some guy reading this will be like "oh well, they were really a girl and they're just going back so yea it's totally fine." but I don't think this person is smart enough for that considering they can't turn their flash off for a mirror shot.

Nugs: If you guys really love reading these you should check out A(n)nals of Online Dating. Tits sends me links from this site on the regular and each one kills me more than the last. Whoever came up with this is like the Stephen Hawking of internet dating.

Seriously, I love that site. I read it religiously and am thankful that I haven't gotten anything quite that bad during my tenure of online dating.

All of this brings me to this story. I have a friend who also does online dating. This particular male friend is a real catch: cute, smart, funny, with a great job, two houses and an adorable dog. I would marry this boy if I could get him drunk enough to consent (and you know I didn't have a BF). But for whatever reason he has the worst luck with online dating. Even though he's being charming, some bitches just look for a reason to be assholes. Like this convo:

Way to be a bitch there lady. He's trying to compliment you and you can't possibly be any fucking ruder if you possibly tried.

This right here is why men think women are bitches.

Nugs: Wow. Nasty bitch.

Ginny: Maybe she thought he was being sarcastic? But then he proves his HP knowledge and explains why he thought she was Umbridge so at that point you can tell he was being genuine and was just trying to be nice.


Nugs: My cousin, who's a doctor at a hospital in Jersey (although... Jersey, so maybe that explains it (Tits: Hey, I am from Jersey! Living proof that normal people do come from there)), is on JDate. For those of you who don't know JDate, it's basically for Jewish guys who want to find really slutty girls (although they claim it's not).

Also PS- define "normal." Also tell me how much money I would need to pay you to get you to move back to New Jersey. (Tits: The only way I am going back to Jersey is if Random House decides to hire me on as an editor and pays me a kajillion dollars. So point taken)

In any case...

He wound up meeting and getting engaged to (!) this one chick who turned out to be not only a flaming sociopath but a total gold-digging whore with a (albeit amazing) fake rack. She was also a complete fucking idiot who I swear needed to take her shoes off to count past ten. Anyway, he was smart enough to call the wedding off before she left a horse head with tattooed eyeliner in his bed.

I know there are lots of good stories, too though. A lot of my friends have dated online. Some of them are still in those relationships. Hey, to each their own.

Ginny: I would just like to say that as someone who has tried online dating you will get a ton of bad messages and creepers but sometimes you find profiles so insane you just have to laugh. And sometimes you actually meet someone great so don't let these profiles scare you away. :))) :P

Nugs: AHAHAHAHAHA.

Tits: True that, before Imac and I got back together I met a really amazing guy on POF. He was so perfect I am half-tempted to set Nugs up with him now. I mean he loved the Ninja Turtles and could out-nerd both of us.

Nugs: No. He made you sad so I hate him now. Also, out-nerd me? Pffft.

Break-Ups Made Easy!

Nugs: I think it's a safe bet that my fellow Bloggi would put me in the category of Most Awesome Thing to Grace the Planet, Ever. If not Number One, then at least fourth, after Ryan Gosling's abs, cookie dough milkshakes, and cats covering the opening theme to Game of Thrones.

 

Fucking genius.

Tits: No Comment.

Nugs: Whatever. That is a comedy win. Better than porn, I say.

However, for all the talents I hold in my pinky finger (oh haaaai), there are those that I don't possess, and one of those is the ability to effectively break up with someone. True, if the asshat in question commits a truly heinous deductible such as cheating on me or reorganizing my Blu-Ray collection, then yeah, I'll bust out the rage brigade.

But take, for example, the poor, Nugs-struck fool who I've not-so-lovingly in the past referred to as "The Fairy Princess." The first few hours I spent with him were OK, but soon after that I wanted to slowly peel my own skin off with plastic spoons just to have a different activity to focus on. This dude's only offense was the fact that he was seriously into me, although I do emphasize the "serious," and he kind of looked like a live-action Fry from Futurama, only slightly more built.

Kind of with this facial expression, too. Yup.

I wasn't having it, and in a moment that I describe as not my finest, I acted like a total bitch and then stopped taking his calls. Present-day Nugs would have- well, probably would have done pretty much the same thing, but maybe have blamed PMS.

Tits: It's true. I come to Nugs for advice on a lot of things. Break-ups is never one of them. Her advice is either: Avoid them or tell them they are a waste of space. There isn't a gentle let down in her book.

Nugs: I am a stealth bomb.

At any rate, that wasn't fair. If I'm going to be the cause of the whole neighborhood being subjected to "I Want To Know What Love Is" while some unfortunate sits outside my building sobbing into a fifth of Jack, at least he should know why. The Girls and I were actually discussing tactful ways to dump someone when, almost on cue, I came across this pictorial on HappyPlace.com:

http://www.happyplace.com/12083/absurdly-inappropriate-cake-inscriptions/

Can you imagine if someone started a business like this? How amazing would that be? No one would have to talk to each other, ever- all your work is done for you! If you knew how to bake, that is. They have cakes for everything- and I mean EVERYTHING. The next time I want to dump someone, I'll just go with one of these:

Or, if you just need to have a "serious talk" about your future but don't know exactly what to say:

Chocolate always cushions the blow!

They even have some for boys, too:

Apologies are always better with frosting! Oh, wait:
 

FYI, guys: The "cheek sneak" fools no woman. We know you know.

Tits: I want to know how good of a shot this guy was to actually get semen that far up.

Nugs: Right? Like, how often did he practice?

Personally I was a fan of this one:

Because who the fuck does that?

Nugs: AHAHAHAHA!

And, lest you are one of those happy couples looking for a positive way to declare your love:

Our personal favorite here at Snark & Sex, complete with stunning 80's dance moves:

GOLD. Gold.

Do you guys think I should make that cake for my dad? His birthday is in a couple of weeks.

Ginny also came up with the idea to add greeting cards into the mix. I think this is hysterical, and the fact that no one has given us genius grants yet is clearly a crime. 

Shit writes itself.

If I still had that guy's address (or remembered his name), I would send one of those cakes to him. At the very least, I would say my actions would be justified.

Everyone loves chocolate!

Tits: Also Flowers. Bitches (and by that I mean me) love flowers.