Don't Call It A Comeback

Seriously, don't. There is an explanation as to why we've been gone for so long and essentially, you can all blame the Holiday Season. Basically all of us were too busy dealing with binge eating/family circus/opening presents (or in Tits' case, spending an obscene amount of cash on her dogs (Tits: Bitch I got them Flea Medication)) to remember to post. Sorry. We love you, and it probably won't happen again. Possibly. Maybe.

So here's what's went on during our month-long sabbatical:

LILY: I've officially moved in with Ivan. Well, unofficially officially because I don't pay rent and my mail doesn't get set there.

GINNY: I watched a lot of Doctor Who. This is important. David Tennant is important. 

Nugs: Rory is also important. He's usually overlooked, which is unfair because hell-O.

Seriously though, besides that I've been pretty busy at work and just living life. My brother came to visit in December so I was also spending some time with my family too.

TITS: During December, Imac and I went to Florida to meet the respective parents. My family used me to run errands, make dinner and wrap presents. Imac's mom nagged us about getting married and having kids even though we haven't been dating a year. Then I spent January looking for a new place to live as my lease is expiring.


Lily: I've also been looking into getting an apartment (so we don't have to live with other people) ... apartment hunting is hard.

NUGS: Tell me about it. There's always one deal-breaker, like a mal-functioning faucet, creepy landlord or sitting atop an indian burial ground. Anyway, as for me-

As much as I tried to avoid this life-altering event like Kim Kardashian avoids nuclear physics, I turned thirty.

 Honestly, it really doesn't feel that much different from 29, probably because I'm still giggling at the word "feel."

Despite having a whopping case of this "mutant cold" that's been going around (as if I didn't feel old enough already), my birthday, referred to (by me) as Zero Dark Thirty, was nice and low-key, with a guest-appearance by honorary Snark and Sex-er Tabs. Since I was sick, I'm planning a do-over in the summer when it's hot and I can have drinks by the pool.

Ginny: Winter birthdays suck. (Nugs: Strongly agree.) My birthday either falls on a massive snow storm or the super bowl. It's all about me people NOT football.

Lily: My birthday is just there. Nothing important in March.

Nugs: That means it's all about you. Score!

Tits: My birthday is on mother-fucking Cinco De Mayo, which means I have to spend every birthday eating Mexican food and taking tequila shots and generally sharing it with a non-real Mexican holiday. It is never about me.

Nugs: Are you kidding? That is ALWAYS about you! Badass.

Tits: Are you kidding? It's more like "oh its your birthday? Want to come do tequila shots at our preplanned Cinco De Mayo Festivities because we totes forgot it was your Bday."

Anyway...

Speaking of hot, I'm no longer the token Single Girl here at Snark & Sex. The Mayans were probably one year off because I have actually tricked some guy into liking me enough to keeping me around after sleeping with me. We met through friends at a bar and have been together a little over a month, and he seems relatively normal. I have heretofore dubbed him "Iron Man," and since my S&S avatar is Donna Troy of the DC lexicon, I'm predicting a merge of the most epic proportions. If I don't fuck this up. Which is probably a given if he ever gets a glimpse at my robot collection.

(In case you're all wondering, he doesn't look anything like RDJ, or I would have already married him.)

Please. I'm taken, not dead.

We'll be heading to Boston next weekend for Ginny's birthday, so she'll have plenty of opportunity to tell you guys all about him when she unfairly judges him. It is her job, you know.

Ginny: I'm turning 29 25 guys!

Nugs: Yeah, and I just turned 22 for the 16th time in a row. None of you get to say shit about being old ever again.

Lily: And here I thought that I felt old ....

So there are your updates on why we've (not) been ignoring you guys the last month. We've reconvened just in time for Valentine's Day, because we're a dating blog so of course, and we'll be posting on our respective relationships (note: Tits' first date with Imac is HILARIOUS).

Ginny: I don't know... did Tits' first date involve shingles on her butt? Mine did.

Tits: Did he get drunk and spend the whole night acting like you had cooties?

Nugs: Did you get drunk and spend the entire night hoping he wouldn't notice and then make it safely home only to fall asleep next to your toilet?

We're also looking for guest bloggers to share your public awkwardness, so if you're interested, drop us a comment and let us know. We're taking submissions (that's what she said) about first date/meeting stories from now until Valentine's Day. Also, guys- we want to hear from you too!

Break-Ups Made Easy!

Nugs: I think it's a safe bet that my fellow Bloggi would put me in the category of Most Awesome Thing to Grace the Planet, Ever. If not Number One, then at least fourth, after Ryan Gosling's abs, cookie dough milkshakes, and cats covering the opening theme to Game of Thrones.

 

Fucking genius.

Tits: No Comment.

Nugs: Whatever. That is a comedy win. Better than porn, I say.

However, for all the talents I hold in my pinky finger (oh haaaai), there are those that I don't possess, and one of those is the ability to effectively break up with someone. True, if the asshat in question commits a truly heinous deductible such as cheating on me or reorganizing my Blu-Ray collection, then yeah, I'll bust out the rage brigade.

But take, for example, the poor, Nugs-struck fool who I've not-so-lovingly in the past referred to as "The Fairy Princess." The first few hours I spent with him were OK, but soon after that I wanted to slowly peel my own skin off with plastic spoons just to have a different activity to focus on. This dude's only offense was the fact that he was seriously into me, although I do emphasize the "serious," and he kind of looked like a live-action Fry from Futurama, only slightly more built.

Kind of with this facial expression, too. Yup.

I wasn't having it, and in a moment that I describe as not my finest, I acted like a total bitch and then stopped taking his calls. Present-day Nugs would have- well, probably would have done pretty much the same thing, but maybe have blamed PMS.

Tits: It's true. I come to Nugs for advice on a lot of things. Break-ups is never one of them. Her advice is either: Avoid them or tell them they are a waste of space. There isn't a gentle let down in her book.

Nugs: I am a stealth bomb.

At any rate, that wasn't fair. If I'm going to be the cause of the whole neighborhood being subjected to "I Want To Know What Love Is" while some unfortunate sits outside my building sobbing into a fifth of Jack, at least he should know why. The Girls and I were actually discussing tactful ways to dump someone when, almost on cue, I came across this pictorial on HappyPlace.com:

http://www.happyplace.com/12083/absurdly-inappropriate-cake-inscriptions/

Can you imagine if someone started a business like this? How amazing would that be? No one would have to talk to each other, ever- all your work is done for you! If you knew how to bake, that is. They have cakes for everything- and I mean EVERYTHING. The next time I want to dump someone, I'll just go with one of these:

Or, if you just need to have a "serious talk" about your future but don't know exactly what to say:

Chocolate always cushions the blow!

They even have some for boys, too:

Apologies are always better with frosting! Oh, wait:
 

FYI, guys: The "cheek sneak" fools no woman. We know you know.

Tits: I want to know how good of a shot this guy was to actually get semen that far up.

Nugs: Right? Like, how often did he practice?

Personally I was a fan of this one:

Because who the fuck does that?

Nugs: AHAHAHAHA!

And, lest you are one of those happy couples looking for a positive way to declare your love:

Our personal favorite here at Snark & Sex, complete with stunning 80's dance moves:

GOLD. Gold.

Do you guys think I should make that cake for my dad? His birthday is in a couple of weeks.

Ginny also came up with the idea to add greeting cards into the mix. I think this is hysterical, and the fact that no one has given us genius grants yet is clearly a crime. 

Shit writes itself.

If I still had that guy's address (or remembered his name), I would send one of those cakes to him. At the very least, I would say my actions would be justified.

Everyone loves chocolate!

Tits: Also Flowers. Bitches (and by that I mean me) love flowers. 

Tit's Rules of Dating: Guys are Weird

It seems only fair that my inaugural post on this blog is about my love life or lack thereof. Since it was Nugs and I discussing our weird-ass dating lives that prompted us to start this blog.

Nugs: It also seems fair that the inaugural post on this blog should be an explosion of wit, self-mockery and shameless sexploitation that all of your creative, dynamic and intellectual co-authors are so maturely exalted for, just so you can get a feel as to what you'll be perusing through for however long we decide to keep this going.

Haha. "Feel." (Lily: *giggle*)

Anyone who has been keeping tabs on my personal blog might have see that I have been seeing a new guy. Well that's over, and like with every failed relationship I called Nugs to discuss it. And in the discussing it, we couldn't come to a consensus with what was going on with this guy.

Nugs: How is he not yet fall-on-your-ass in love with you? Your name is Tits. You're super nerdy. You're friends with us. I don't understand this.

So we thought we'd let the internet decide what was going on. So I met this guy online and while I don't take too much stock in online dating, this guy was a winner. He was cute, funny, smart and charming and nerdy. He wasn't perfect but he was the closest I have ever come to finding it. We went out on a total of 5 dates, which isn't that many but it's enough to know if you like a person or not.

And I liked him and I got the impression that he liked me. He would text me "good morning" like every day and we'd text all day (or at least what was reasonable between working). He would answer mine (and Nugs') random questions on his opinions of Dragons and Narwhals. Also this convo happened:

Tits: Enterprise vs. Millenium Falcon: Go
Him: MF. Hands Down
Tits: Swoon

Nugs: NO. The technology used to create the Enterprise would destroy the Millennium Falcon in like thirty seconds before the MF even lined up its shot. Also, Borg Queen vs. Jabba the Hut? The Queen is the WAY better villain and oh sorry, wrong thing to focus on right now. Carry on.

We bonded over Ninja Turles being more awesome than Power Rangers and he even suggested we dress up like April and Casey for Halloween. Then date 5 came around and we were making out pretty hot and heavy in my bed, and after an hour I was like "Why am I still wearing pants?"And things started going downhill. He pretty much turned me down for sex, being like "I have reservations about you and if we sleep together it is something and you're thinking about moving to Florida and I don't want to get into something that has an end date."

Nugs: What is he, a woman? All you wanted was to see this dude naked. Doesn't mean you're going to draw up invitations.

Admittedly, I did do your genetic mash-up in my head. Your kids would have been smoking hot.

Call me, maybe?
God, I am SO sorry for that.

Ginny: Why do guys always think having sex means we want to get married and have kids and buy a pony? We can be like dudes too!

Lily: Totes! Gah! Guys think they're the only ones that can have NSA sex. 

Nugs: Wait. There are ponies?

Listen that is a fair point, (Nugs: About the ponies?) I am thinking about moving but not till February and even then it's not set in stone that I am going to go. I might move in Feb. I might move in 10 years, and I told him that repeatedly.

He went home and I wallowed about no sex. We continued texting every day like nothing had happened, until finally on Saturday I pulled my courage together and asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner as I was making homemade spaghetti and meatballs. (Nugs: I'm in.) He was like "I don't think for dinner, but I'll come hang out later."

This is when all my red flag whistles and bells started going off. I come from a "He's just not that into you" school of dating and in the movie they even say "If he's not sleeping with you he's just not that into you." And dammit if he isn't sleeping with your or willing to eat your food there is a problem. So I confronted him on it and while he said that:

• "You're awesome and cute and smart and funny and nerdy and witty"
• "I like everything about you"
• "I'm attracted to you"

He just doesn't feel a "fire" for me- basically he friendzoned me. Now I'm the kind of girl that takes people at their word. Nugs tends to have a different perspective on what men do and why they do it.

Nugs: I came to the reasonable conclusion that he is blind, deaf, mentally retarded and also gay. Oh, and has a small penis.

Lily: +1 on everything, and X1000 on the small penis. Or no penis.

I say exactly what I think and do and I don't hide behind excuses. So when he says he's just not that into me, I take his word at that.

Nugs: Seriously, I think it's the opposite- he IS that into you. He really likes you, but doesn't want something that will end when you (supposedly) leave the state in six months. It's a bullshit excuse, and also one that reeks of "I'm really a girl," but whatever. You're his perfect girlfriend, but he's too afraid to get involved because, like he said, there's an "end date." Whatever. Move on, see other people, and hopefully eventually he'll come around. If not, it's his loss.

I told him I still really liked him and that if his feelings changed he could call me, but I was going to start seeing other people. So internet world, what do you think?

Ginny: See other people. This guy wouldn't eat your home cooking and you deserve someone who is knocking down your door! I agree with Nugs. Small penis?

Allow Ourselves to Introduce.... Ourselves

Nugs: When I mentioned to my friends that I was considering starting a separate blog just to bitch about the lack of adequate penis in my life, a bunch of them were like, "why don't we just all do this together?"

Tits: Really, Nugs and I have been talking about doing this for a year because seriously our love lives are hilarious.

Nugs: I'm surprised this even made it off the ground, honestly. We always talk about doing stuff and then never get around to it. So, this is pretty exciting. For me, anyway.

Ginny: Exciting in the pants?...

This blog makes total sense since it seems like every conversation I have with my girls revolves around my unintentional celibacy. Tits has some of the best dating stories I've ever heard, for better or worse (mostly worse), Lily just recently announced her engagement (!!!!!!), (Lily: Who knew someone could make an honest woman out of me?) and Ginntastic has an awesome boyfriend. (Ginny: New boyfriend. I am totally not good at long term dating so I'm sure you'll hear plenty from me about that)

Meanwhile, despite all my self-deprecation, I happen to be in the middle of a very successful, 29-year-relationship. We never argue over which movie to watch or what to have for dinner, there's always an abundance of chocolate and lingerie and I always receive the BEST compliments. Oh, and no one is left sleeping unsatisfied in the wet spot. It's the best partnership I've ever had- I call this "masturdating."

Ginny: How have you made it work for so long?
I'm not touching that paragraph with a 39 and 1/2 foot pole. 
I. Don't. Know. What. To. Say?
Nugs: A 39 and 1/2 foot pole sounds kind of painful. I much prefer the lead pipe in the kitchen. Or the rope.

At any rate, the four of us- Coyote Tits, Ginntastic, Lily and myself- have decided that we should subject you all to the flukes, fails, and fatalities of human mating rituals- and sometimes, hopefully, even some fornication.

Enjoy. Or, we're sorry.