Finding Love on AOL

Ivan and I first met while we were in high school. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. I spent a lot of time that summer partying. Well, that was the year all of my friends turned 15, and since we’re all Mexican, we were all having quineañeras (they’re like Sweet Sixteen parties, only more religious, and they have lots of booze). When I wasn’t partying, I was spending time at home being really lame.

Tits: I didn't have a quineañeras or a sweet sixteen. I feel like I missed out a ball gown and a chance to get cash.

Nugs: You had booze at 15? Then again, Jews drink wine at Passover when we're like, eight, which is probably why we're such good friends. 

Ginny: I've been to a few quineañeras. I was the albino white girl living in a Spanish neighborhood. They are FUN!

I started chatting it up on AOL Teens chat. And that is where I met my future husband. We never exchanged pictures, and only talked on the phone for hours before we actually met in person. We dated on and off throughout high school and when I left for college, we didn’t talk at all.

Hope no one needs the phone line!

Nugs: You know you were a 90's kid when...

Ginny: You know I always wanted to meet my boyfriend in a chat room. I'm not even kidding, this was back when people my age actually used chat rooms and not just spam bots for porn.

I stopped going in chatrooms after this (except for the 20sb one).

It wasn’t until 3 years ago that he called me because he wanted to get back together. I didn’t really want to because I knew we would just break up and get back together. I said no, but I agreed to be friends and I was surprised that he went for that. 

Nugs: I'm not. Guys always agree to be "friends" because there's always the possibility of something else.

Ginny: Wait he just contacted you out of the blue??

Yeah! He said he found my phone number while he was cleaning out his old room at his parent's house. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I'm pretty sure he just memorized it.

After a while, I started having feelings for him again and I was really angry at myself (and so were a lot of my friends). I don’t know why I allowed myself to have feelings for someone who had repeatedly broken up with me for stupid reasons. But, I did, and with a stern warning from my friends, I proceeded into this relationship.

I don’t remember ever going out on a date with Ivan in high school. Maybe we did and I’m intentionally blocking it out because it was that horrible. Our first “date” was about a year after we got back together. This sounds really bad, but, the first year we were together I was working a horrible job with horrible hours, and I was in school, and he was working nights. We had little to no mutual days off. It was a really bad 1^st year.

I had finally graduated and got a new job. We went out to celebrate that I was no longer working in retail hell. We went to dinner and had a really great time. Yet, we still wanted to be out and not go back to his house. So we decided to go watch a movie. X-Men First Class was recently released in theaters, so I told him I wanted to watch it. He was really confused why a girl really wanted to watch a comic book movie.

Tits: He obviously hasn't met us. Nugs would rather give up sex than miss the newest release of a comic book movie. She probably saw Batman & Robin in theaters.

Nugs: You don't know my life.

We searched for a movie theater that didn't have a lot of obnoxious patrons. Which in Chicago it's really hard to find. I took the executive decision to just go to a movie theater downtown. So, going to a movie theater downtown isn't so much of an issue. There's really no obnoxious ghetto kids talking throughout the movie, or anything really, prices are the same and the actual auditorium is smaller, and they have comfier (I did not know that was how you spelled that word- weird) seats.

We drove around for about 30 minutes trying to find a a place to park on the street. Everything single street had tow zone signs all over. Finally we found a spot, but it was a 15 minute limit. The movie was about to start, so I just told him to find the next parking garage that seemed reasonable. 

Ginny: I feel your pain living in Boston. Parking spot? What is this thing you call a parking spot?

We ended up parking across the street. The garage said it was $7 per hour. At most we'd be paying $21. I volunteered to pay for parking. We watch the movie, had popcorn and I finally felt like I was in a relationship that was leading somewhere.

We hung around downtown after the movie before going back to the garage. I put the little ticket into the machine to pay for parking. I saw the total and it was $50! There must have been some mistake. We weren't there for that long, at most the total should have been $28. Apparently, we don't know how to read. The $7 an hour rate only applied to parking Monday through Friday between the hours of 6am and 10 am .... this is mentioned in like 4 point font. (Nugs: Of course it is.) I paid the stupid $50. Needless to say, we don't go to the movies downtown anymore.

No matter how small the font.

A tale of romance and shingles. How Ginny met Derek.

Derek and I starting dating in May of 2012. We met the new old fashioned way, Okcupid. I had just ended a relationship of about 8 months in March. I decided to get back up on the dating horse but I wasn't expecting much.

Nugs: Is it wrong that when I saw "dating horse" I immediately thought of something really dirty? I also thought of this right afterward:

Tits: You would.

Nugs: It would have been a Fail if I didn't.

Okcupid can be really depressing. You start to think that there are no normal guys on here. Heck I'd even take a guy who can spell!

Tits: Understatement of the year.

During this time I reached out to a guy that I had blew off after a few dates during my last round of internet dating. He was a nice guy and I felt horrible for doing that to him. When I saw he was still on there I messaged him to apologize and he asked me out again. Then Derek messaged me.

At first I wasn't going to respond to his message because he only had one picture. For some reason I don't trust a guy with one picture but it was a clear picture of his face, not some sketch pic where you can't see what they look like. Plus he had a cute face and I loved his eyes.

Nugs: I've met Derek. He does have really nice eyes.

What really blew me away though was his message. Once I read it I realized this guy could actually form sentences and he read my profile. After checking out his profile I knew we would get along. We had a lot of similar interests and something about the way he wrote I liked.

Tits: And he didn't include the words "meat hole" or try to get you to sleep with him while his creepy girlfriend watched I'm sure.

Around the time I started talking to Derek I developed shingles on my butt and lower back. It was not fun, let me tell you. It was due to the stress of my bathroom being remodeled and it going horribly. I had been on medication and although I was still itchy and couldn't wear pants I said yes when he asked to meet up.

Nugs: "I don't think we should meet because you're not wearing pants," said NO GUY EVER.

Also, thanks to this and the movie Ted, I now know WAY more than I ever wanted to about Ginny's butt.


Lily: LMAO! I had that same thought when watching Ted all 5 million times.

Tits: I guess I ought to see this movie, but then I know nothing about Ginny's butt either.




Ginny: HEY! There are the annoying trashy Boston girls and then there's the sweet nice Boston girls. I only drop my Rs when I'm drunk or say blender or when I'm yelling.

We hit it off right away. I felt pretty comfortable so a few drinks in I dropped the s bomb "I'm getting over shingles on my butt and I can't wait to be able to wear pants again". Derek's reaction was amusement rather than horror which is good. I told him that I often just say things without really thinking them through.

At the end of our date while he walked me to the T he took off his sunglasses and handed them to me. He said "now you have to see me again so you can give me back my sunglasses." There may have been some kissing involved. It was really quite sweet. I gave him my sunglasses to return to me and well here we are nine months later.

Lily: Okay, so I'm really a sucker for all of this, because it brought a little tear to my eye. AND I played it in my head ... and it looked like a Nicholas Sparks movie.

*And if you're wondering about the other guy that I had been on a few dates with that I had blown off before, well I told him I met someone and he probably hates me. Poor guy, he was actually nice there just wasn't any spark.*

Poor guy. He probably feels like he got played.

Nugs: OK, so I met Derek a couple of weeks ago when I made one of my semi-yearly trips into Boston for Gin's birthday. We debuted the respective boyfriends to each other and they both passed our tests, according to the mass emails Gin and I sent out to the other Snark Girls. Once one of us hates you, well, that's pretty much it. Because you know, Chicks Before Dicks. So it's nice to know that both Mr. Ginny and Mr. Nugs have ben accepted by all. 

I actually have to give Derek a Golf Clap; meeting me for the first time together with Ginny in any vicinity that involves alcohol will usually cause any guy to look over his shoulder in fear for the rest of his life. I can't remember the last time Ginny and I hung out where we weren't off-the-scale drunk; most likely with some homoerotic activity, usually started by me. Well played, Mr. Ginny. Well played. 

Tits Says: The Failtanic Hit an Iceberg

So over on my personal blog I talk a lot about online dating. Now I'm currently taken, again, but I did my fair share of online dating while I was single and there was a lot of LOLWUTS during it. I mean besides my stage-five clinger, who seemed normal at first, I've gotten a lot of weird ass people messaging me. This prompted me to find some of the best/worst profiles on online dating. I was not disappointed:

The name alone is a bad idea there, but then he has to say "no games and no drama!!" Which just means he dates crazy bitches and may possibly be one. (Nugs: May???) Also what kind of job do you have that you can't post pics? Do you work for the CIA? Are you a nazi- terrorist?

Nugs: My guess is Taco Bell employee. (Tits: Most Likely)

Ginny: Any person who says "no games and no drama" really means "I love jerking you around and I will be super controlling and treat you like crap". I'm pretty sure there has to be a documented experiment proving this somewhere. 

Also his job is probably living in mom's basement.

Nugs: Is it wrong that "frostyfatdik" makes me think of Dairy Queen?

Do you have any questions for him? Also bonus points for the capitalization and random emoticons.

Ginny: I have a question :p is this a smiley face with a bunch of chins? :))) p.s. nice popped collar.

Nugs: This is easily the most hilarious thing that you have ever said, Ginny. Please don't be this funny when I'm at work.

My boyfriend sent me this one and it actually inspired this post:

Click to Read! You won't be disappointed

Nugs: !!!!!!!!!!

Well that explains why she looks so butch.

Ginny: I'm wondering if this person is lying so some guy reading this will be like "oh well, they were really a girl and they're just going back so yea it's totally fine." but I don't think this person is smart enough for that considering they can't turn their flash off for a mirror shot.

Nugs: If you guys really love reading these you should check out A(n)nals of Online Dating. Tits sends me links from this site on the regular and each one kills me more than the last. Whoever came up with this is like the Stephen Hawking of internet dating.

Seriously, I love that site. I read it religiously and am thankful that I haven't gotten anything quite that bad during my tenure of online dating.

All of this brings me to this story. I have a friend who also does online dating. This particular male friend is a real catch: cute, smart, funny, with a great job, two houses and an adorable dog. I would marry this boy if I could get him drunk enough to consent (and you know I didn't have a BF). But for whatever reason he has the worst luck with online dating. Even though he's being charming, some bitches just look for a reason to be assholes. Like this convo:

Way to be a bitch there lady. He's trying to compliment you and you can't possibly be any fucking ruder if you possibly tried.

This right here is why men think women are bitches.

Nugs: Wow. Nasty bitch.

Ginny: Maybe she thought he was being sarcastic? But then he proves his HP knowledge and explains why he thought she was Umbridge so at that point you can tell he was being genuine and was just trying to be nice.


Nugs: My cousin, who's a doctor at a hospital in Jersey (although... Jersey, so maybe that explains it (Tits: Hey, I am from Jersey! Living proof that normal people do come from there)), is on JDate. For those of you who don't know JDate, it's basically for Jewish guys who want to find really slutty girls (although they claim it's not).

Also PS- define "normal." Also tell me how much money I would need to pay you to get you to move back to New Jersey. (Tits: The only way I am going back to Jersey is if Random House decides to hire me on as an editor and pays me a kajillion dollars. So point taken)

In any case...

He wound up meeting and getting engaged to (!) this one chick who turned out to be not only a flaming sociopath but a total gold-digging whore with a (albeit amazing) fake rack. She was also a complete fucking idiot who I swear needed to take her shoes off to count past ten. Anyway, he was smart enough to call the wedding off before she left a horse head with tattooed eyeliner in his bed.

I know there are lots of good stories, too though. A lot of my friends have dated online. Some of them are still in those relationships. Hey, to each their own.

Ginny: I would just like to say that as someone who has tried online dating you will get a ton of bad messages and creepers but sometimes you find profiles so insane you just have to laugh. And sometimes you actually meet someone great so don't let these profiles scare you away. :))) :P

Nugs: AHAHAHAHAHA.

Tits: True that, before Imac and I got back together I met a really amazing guy on POF. He was so perfect I am half-tempted to set Nugs up with him now. I mean he loved the Ninja Turtles and could out-nerd both of us.

Nugs: No. He made you sad so I hate him now. Also, out-nerd me? Pffft.

So basically, I don't respect anyone

Lily: Lately, I've been super obsessed with Pinterest. I'll spend hours and hours on there, just repinning things I think look pretty.

Yesterday, I came across this gem of a blog post: 25 Ways to Communicate Respect To Your Husband. As a woman who is getting married soon, I decided to look through it. Maybe it'll have something interesting. 

Tits: So I opened this link and the first thing I noticed is that the writer looks like an old-timey religious Mormon that has sister wives and lives to obey her husband. Not really a great role model to follow (btw, I don't think she actually is one of those Mormons)

Nugs: The first thing I noticed is that this woman is batshit fucking insane.

Ginny: I'm going to just walk up to my boyfriend and say "I'm praying for you" and walk away. Totally not creepy.

Perfectly normal!

While there are some things that make sense (despite being a little too religious-y for my taste), there are other points that are WTFs. 

Keep the house tidy. Isn't that kind of a given? I mean, why would anyone want to live in a pigsty. But, how is this showing that I respect my [future] husband?

Nugs: This would actually be more for me. When people come to my house I like to follow them around with paper towel and coasters. As long as they've graduated to "aiming for the bowl," guys usually don't give a shit about a this.

No pun intended.

Dress to please him. "Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house". LOLWUT? First of all, I buy my own clothes. I think I have a better idea of what looks good on my body. If it were up to Ivan, I'd probably always have to wear a shirt that exposes the girls. So, yeah no. Stupid point.

Tits: If I had to dress for my boyfriends, I would have to buy new clothes each go around. Imac would have me in nothing but booty shorts, Meathole guy would probably just had me topless and College guy loved me in dresses and miniskirts. My wardrobing budget cannot handle dressing to please a man.

Nugs: So basically, just be naked then? That's the real hidden message here.

Are these really the things I need to do to respect my husband? How is "preparing his favorite food" a sign of respect? I'm not going to feed him stuff he doesn't like (Read: seafood), but I'm not going to go out of my way to make his favorite food often. On a special occasion, yes. On a regular Tuesday. NO.

Nugs: This really should say "keep beer in the fridge."

Tits: Also weed on the table and make him a goddamn sandwich every 3 hours 

Ginny: Beer is totally a meal and easy to prepare.

Don't complain. Fuck we're screwed. I guess I shouldn't get married.

Tits: Seriously? I mean so I'm just supposed to let him watch ghost hunters, clip his toenails at the kitchen table,  and fart on me and not bitch at him? I'm okay with being a cat lady now

Ginny: crap. I will never be able to keep anyone happy.

One of my favorite points is this: 

Respond Physically: Did you know that the way you respond (or don't respond) to your husband's romantic overtures has a profound effect on his self-confidence? Don't slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he's in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too. 

You don't say, Mrs. Flanders! But, what if, I'm not in the mood? You just can't have sex when you're not in the mood.

Nugs: That sounds an awful lot like, uh, rape. Just sayin.

Ginny: So you need to use your body to prove you love him? Awesome.

If your husband respects you, he'll understand if you're not in the mood... and if he doesn't, well he can take himself to the bathroom. At least this is what I think.

I don't know about all this. I can't just show my respect by being a good listener, a good lover (bow chicka bow wow and other wise), a friend, a good partner? Maybe I'm just going to suck at the whole marriage thing. So would that make me a "Satanic emissary trying to destroy families"?

Tits: I don't know, how about just respecting them period. I mean I don't make my BF's watch Project Runway or the Yankees and they don't force me to watch Jersey Shore or the Kardashians. I think this is the most respect you can have in a relationship.

Nugs: OK, but even Satan's wife probably complained about the heat from the seventh circle sometimes. What is this bitch, Amish?

No. Just no.

Ginny: It's a two way street. You both need to show respect to each other. This article is very oneside and looks like it was written in 1950.

Bingo!