Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Break-Ups Made Easy!

Nugs: I think it's a safe bet that my fellow Bloggi would put me in the category of Most Awesome Thing to Grace the Planet, Ever. If not Number One, then at least fourth, after Ryan Gosling's abs, cookie dough milkshakes, and cats covering the opening theme to Game of Thrones.


Fucking genius.

Tits: No Comment.

Nugs: Whatever. That is a comedy win. Better than porn, I say.

However, for all the talents I hold in my pinky finger (oh haaaai), there are those that I don't possess, and one of those is the ability to effectively break up with someone. True, if the asshat in question commits a truly heinous deductible such as cheating on me or reorganizing my Blu-Ray collection, then yeah, I'll bust out the rage brigade.

But take, for example, the poor, Nugs-struck fool who I've not-so-lovingly in the past referred to as "The Fairy Princess." The first few hours I spent with him were OK, but soon after that I wanted to slowly peel my own skin off with plastic spoons just to have a different activity to focus on. This dude's only offense was the fact that he was seriously into me, although I do emphasize the "serious," and he kind of looked like a live-action Fry from Futurama, only slightly more built.

Kind of with this facial expression, too. Yup.
I wasn't having it, and in a moment that I describe as not my finest, I acted like a total bitch and then stopped taking his calls. Present-day Nugs would have- well, probably would have done pretty much the same thing, but maybe have blamed PMS.

Tits: It's true. I come to Nugs for advice on a lot of things. Break-ups is never one of them. Her advice is either: Avoid them or tell them they are a waste of space. There isn't a gentle let down in her book.

Nugs: I am a stealth bomb.

At any rate, that wasn't fair. If I'm going to be the cause of the whole neighborhood being subjected to "I Want To Know What Love Is" while some unfortunate sits outside my building sobbing into a fifth of Jack, at least he should know why. The Girls and I were actually discussing tactful ways to dump someone when, almost on cue, I came across this pictorial on HappyPlace.com:


Can you imagine if someone started a business like this? How amazing would that be? No one would have to talk to each other, ever- all your work is done for you! If you knew how to bake, that is. They have cakes for everything- and I mean EVERYTHING. The next time I want to dump someone, I'll just go with one of these:

Or, if you just need to have a "serious talk" about your future but don't know exactly what to say:

Chocolate always cushions the blow!

They even have some for boys, too:

Apologies are always better with frosting! Oh, wait:


FYI, guys: The "cheek sneak" fools no woman. We know you know.

Tits: I want to know how good of a shot this guy was to actually get semen that far up.

Nugs: Right? Like, how often did he practice?

Personally I was a fan of this one:
Because who the fuck does that?

And, lest you are one of those happy couples looking for a positive way to declare your love:

Our personal favorite here at Snark & Sex, complete with stunning 80's dance moves:

GOLD. Gold.
Do you guys think I should make that cake for my dad? His birthday is in a couple of weeks.

Ginny also came up with the idea to add greeting cards into the mix. I think this is hysterical, and the fact that no one has given us genius grants yet is clearly a crime. 

Shit writes itself.
If I still had that guy's address (or remembered his name), I would send one of those cakes to him. At the very least, I would say my actions would be justified.

Everyone loves chocolate!

Tits: Also Flowers. Bitches (and by that I mean me) love flowers. 


Avoid Break Ups on November 3, 2012 at 10:25 AM said...

awesome. that's all i can say. what a creative way to break up with someone.

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