Snark & Sex: Tit's Rules to Surviving Thanksgiving

So it's Thanksgiving time in the grand ole' USA and with that comes my first Thanksgiving with my Boyfriend and his family. My family decided to flee to Florida without me and so I didn't have anywhere to go until Imac was like "I have to go to my Grandfathers, come make it more bearable?" (He's a winner isn't he?). With that in mind, if you are like me and are going to have your first Thanksgiving with a significant other's family here are some handy rules for things you might not want to do:

Do Not bring your dog. I don't care how cute precious is and that she's normally so well-behaved and fits in your purse. Don't do it.

Do Not wear sweat pants, ugg boots and old tank-top - at least try to look like you are making an effort.

Do Not complain about the food - I don't care if it doesn't taste like your grandma's mashed potatoes and so what that they have oysters at their dinner. Keep your bitching to yourself.

If you have a food allergy tell someone in advanced - My sisters are lactose intolerant and so we tell everyone like 20 times in advance or bring our own food. Don't show up and be like "yeah I'm gluten free, vegan and allergic to garlic."

Do Not try to have sex at their house- Can you spell awkward? Nugs: That never happened to me that one time in college or anything. I guess if its a three-story house with an attic and you are tied in the attic it might be acceptable

Do Not flirt with someone who isn't your date - I don't care if his older brother is brad fucking pitt, wait till after Thanksgiving to flirt with him. Nugs: Unless his brother is Baby Goose. Then all bets are totally off, and no one would blame you.

Do Not get drunk - Even if the family makes you fucking insane, try to limit yourself to enough wine to just get you tipsy.

Nug's Addendums:

Do Not smoke- Anything. Even if offered. This is clearly a trick. Again, this never happened to me, ever.

Do Not bring up taboo topics- Find out what they are in advance and avoid them at all costs. Whether this be religion, politics, cats vs. dogs, the New York Yankees a.k.a. the Evil Empire or Dancing With the Stars, learn what gets your date's family all wonky and DO NOT DISCUSS.

Do know how to dress- I don't care if your "best feature" is your amazing rack; it's probably not the best idea to shove it in his parents' face. Usually a nice pair of jeans and a dressy top that doesn't put the goods on display is your best bet. Unless, of course, his brother is Baby Goose. See Rule #6.

Do know how to win over the parents- While this may seem like the ultimate in horrific situations, don't commit suicide just yet. Basically the key to mastering this art is dealing with each family member individually:

THE MOM: This is the most difficult, since by showing up at her Thanksgiving feast is an admission that you're being railed on the regular by her baby boy (doesn't matter what his birth order is; he will ALWAYS be her baby boy). The trick to winning over his mother is to go on and on about how amazing her son is (not in that way, because GROSS). Also offer to help out during dinner as often as you can, especially with dishes. Getting his mom to love you is by far the most important because if she hates you, it only goes downhill from there. Seriously I been there with a mom hating me. I always like to volunteer to bring something like cookies or wine.

THE DAD: The males of the family are always easier for me, probably because I'm half a dude myself and I realize now how weird that made me sound. The best strategy for the father is innocent flirting- "oh, Mr. Gosling, I see where your son gets his great ~~ass~~. Eyes! I meant eyes." Just kidding. Never talk about anyone's ass. Keep it to neutral topics such as intelligence and snappy dressing, or radiation levels.
SIBLINGS: Dealing with siblings is usually more manageable due to the fact that your date will probably brief you on the situation prior to your arrival. If one of their brothers or sisters is exceptionally unbearable you'll most likely have been prepared for it way in advance. For the regular, more normal siblings, conquering them should be relatively (see what I did there?) more simple:

BROTHERS: Brothers are pretty painless- just sit down in front of the TV and watch the football game with them. If you're a fan, don't hold back with the commentary. If you're not, let them know that you're "trying to get into it." Also, it helps if you're moderately attractive. Just sayin.

SISTERS: Contrary to what my scintillating personality may have you believing, I am, in fact, of the feminine persuasion, so I am aware that the best way to charm a woman is to let her talk about herself. Find out from your date what she's into and ask her questions, and let her dominate the conversation. You're in.

12. Do use this handy guide from HappyPlace.com with your own family- Trust me, you'll thank me later.