Thursday, February 21, 2013

Flirting Like A 12-Year-Old Apparently Leads To Marriage

So, before I get started I should probably tell you all who I am. My name is Tabs (duh), and I’ve been friends with these ladies for something like 4 years now. You know how most sitcoms have that one token friend from another country? Well, I’m not THE token friend. But I’m close. I think it’s safe to say I’m a token Canadian. Kinda like Robin in How I Met Your Mother, except that I don’t live in NYC.... yet.

Nugs: If you want to relocate to NYC, no argument here. Just sayin.

Lily: So you were a pop sensation that toured malls?!

PS- Canada is still hilarious. 

When the girls asked me to write a post for their Valentine’s series I was like HELL YES! See, like my lovely nerdy friends here, I am incredibly socially inept. As fate would have it, so is my fiancé. The two of us are like one big mound of awkwardness.

Ginny: Am I the only extrovert on this blog who actually loves talking to anyone?

Tits: Nope, Extrovert right here. People just think I'm a bitch.

Nugs: Me too. But I've also been told that I come across as "intimidating."

I’m not normally one to rush into relationships. I like to take my time to get to know the person a bit first before we delve into stuff. But with Scott, I was head over heels from the moment I met him. We had only known each other for three days and we had already started the awkward flirtation. And by awkward, I mean those childish little tickle fights you use in high school to try and see if the other person will hold onto your hand. We spent the whole day doing this while watching Game of Thrones and Harry Potter.

Tits: This is still better than my version of flirting which is generally to act like the little boy who pulls pigtails. I just poke boys and tell them their sports team suck and expect them to swoon.

Ginny: This sounds like a pretty awesome day to me! Flirting + Game of Thrones + Harry Potter = YES

Nugs: FYI, Game of Thrones should usually not be one's base for a solid relationship. You might want to use it to choose your pets, though.

When he suggested that we go out for dinner, I wasn’t sure if he was asking me out on a date or just casually suggesting he didn’t want to cook. (Nugs: That totally sounds like my bf. Not stealth.) After having held hands pretty much all day through our tickle fights, we didn’t even come close to touching each other as we left for dinner. At one point, I accidentally bumped into Scott and awkwardly apologized.

Lily: Ha! I do that too! But I'm also super clumsy.

Dinner was even worse. Although we talked a little bit, for the most part we both sat there awkwardly, trying to figure out if it was a date or not. I stuttered pretty much every time I spoke, and he had this nervous laugh that made him sound even nerdier than he is... in the bad way. I’m pretty sure our waiter got the ‘first awkward date’ vibes off us, because he popped over to check on us and strike up conversations more often than the typical waiter. Still unsure if it was a date or not, I fumbled for my wallet after we were done. Scott assured me dinner was on him, as it was appropriate for the man to pay. An indication I thought might mean it was a date, but I was still unsure. I later found out that asking me out for dinner and dropping the paying line was his attempt at getting me to confirm whether or not I thought it was a date, so he could figure it out too.

Tits: I feel like this is the premise to some indie romantic comedy. If its not a movie yet, it should be.

We went back to his apartment after and popped on a movie again. I think we both wanted to bring up the day’s events but we were both too nervous. He did grab my hand again, this time without the tickle fights.

When it was time for me to take the one-hour drive home, he walked me out to my car, still holding my hand. We stopped beside my car and he pulled me into a hug and we just sort of stood there. I shyly admitted that I hated that I had to leave, and he agreed. He hugged me again and I unlocked my car and opened the door.

To this day, Scott maintains that he had thought of a great way to ask me out in his head, but in that moment, he was so nervous that instead he blurted out “So does this mean we’re dating now?” (Lily: I just had flashbacks to 7th and 8th grade)

Tits: This is so adorable and incredibly nerdy that I approve of Scott all over again.

I had to laugh, which unfortunately made him even more nervous. “I don’t know, does it?”  I asked.
“I don’t know... do you want it to?”

“Do you?” I of course was screaming yes in my head but I didn’t want to say yes if he didn’t want to.

Tits: At this point I would have been all "yes it does" because I can't stand that back and forth not knowing shit and would be like "well since you're letting me make the decision..."

Nugs: Guys never get hints. Just look at my story from before.  

Eventually he said yes and we had our first kiss. He was kind of a bad kisser, so it was really weird, but me being damn good and all, well let’s just say he’s come a long way since then.

Ginny: He must have really swept you off your feet because sometimes a bad kisser can kill any feelings you might have.

My favourite part of the whole thing came after I had left though. I’m sure the girls here will remember that when I was dating my last boyfriend, I often got frustrated with the fact that he refused to change his Facebook status from ‘single’. I didn’t even care about having it saying that we were in a relationship, I just wanted him to take down that damn status that broadcasts that a person is still on the market.

Nugs: I remember that dude. What a world-class douche.

Tits: Yeah I hate that shit. I don't care if we're "facebook official" but don't go around acting like you can fuck anything you want and it won't have consequences.

I got a Facebook notification about five minutes after I left Scott’s place... saying that Scott had just updated his status to say he was in a relationship with me and asking me to confirm. Pretty sure I had a massive grin on my face the whole way home.

Lily: Awwwwww!!!

That was the beginning of one of the most awkward relationships ever. And now that I’m marrying him in two months, I hope that never changes.

Lily:  Triple awww!!!!!

Tits: So Cute!!

Nugs: Strongly Agreed. (Cue romcom end credits here) 

Ginny: Good job Scott ;)

Nugs: +5.

FYI, for those of you looking for more from Tabs, you can find her over at I Am, Therefore I Do. Thanks, Tabs, for guest blogging and letting us be lazy for another few days while we think of our next topic. If any of you ever want to post for us, drop us a line in the comments- we're always looking for minions!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Finding Love on AOL

Ivan and I first met while we were in high school. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. I spent a lot of time that summer partying. Well, that was the year all of my friends turned 15, and since we’re all Mexican, we were all having quineañeras (they’re like Sweet Sixteen parties, only more religious, and they have lots of booze). When I wasn’t partying, I was spending time at home being really lame.

Tits: I didn't have a quineañeras or a sweet sixteen. I feel like I missed out a ball gown and a chance to get cash.

Nugs: You had booze at 15? Then again, Jews drink wine at Passover when we're like, eight, which is probably why we're such good friends. 

Ginny: I've been to a few quineañeras. I was the albino white girl living in a Spanish neighborhood. They are FUN!
I started chatting it up on AOL Teens chat. And that is where I met my future husband. We never exchanged pictures, and only talked on the phone for hours before we actually met in person. We dated on and off throughout high school and when I left for college, we didn’t talk at all.

Hope no one needs the phone line!
Nugs: You know you were a 90's kid when...

Ginny: You know I always wanted to meet my boyfriend in a chat room. I'm not even kidding, this was back when people my age actually used chat rooms and not just spam bots for porn.

I stopped going in chatrooms after this (except for the 20sb one).

It wasn’t until 3 years ago that he called me because he wanted to get back together. I didn’t really want to because I knew we would just break up and get back together. I said no, but I agreed to be friends and I was surprised that he went for that. 

Nugs: I'm not. Guys always agree to be "friends" because there's always the possibility of something else.

Ginny: Wait he just contacted you out of the blue??

Yeah! He said he found my phone number while he was cleaning out his old room at his parent's house. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I'm pretty sure he just memorized it.

After a while, I started having feelings for him again and I was really angry at myself (and so were a lot of my friends). I don’t know why I allowed myself to have feelings for someone who had repeatedly broken up with me for stupid reasons. But, I did, and with a stern warning from my friends, I proceeded into this relationship.
I don’t remember ever going out on a date with Ivan in high school. Maybe we did and I’m intentionally blocking it out because it was that horrible. Our first “date” was about a year after we got back together. This sounds really bad, but, the first year we were together I was working a horrible job with horrible hours, and I was in school, and he was working nights. We had little to no mutual days off. It was a really bad 1st year.
I had finally graduated and got a new job. We went out to celebrate that I was no longer working in retail hell. We went to dinner and had a really great time. Yet, we still wanted to be out and not go back to his house. So we decided to go watch a movie. X-Men First Class was recently released in theaters, so I told him I wanted to watch it. He was really confused why a girl really wanted to watch a comic book movie.

Tits: He obviously hasn't met us. Nugs would rather give up sex than miss the newest release of a comic book movie. She probably saw Batman & Robin in theaters.

Nugs: You don't know my life.

We searched for a movie theater that didn't have a lot of obnoxious patrons. Which in Chicago it's really hard to find. I took the executive decision to just go to a movie theater downtown. So, going to a movie theater downtown isn't so much of an issue. There's really no obnoxious ghetto kids talking throughout the movie, or anything really, prices are the same and the actual auditorium is smaller, and they have comfier (I did not know that was how you spelled that word- weird) seats.

We drove around for about 30 minutes trying to find a a place to park on the street. Everything single street had tow zone signs all over. Finally we found a spot, but it was a 15 minute limit. The movie was about to start, so I just told him to find the next parking garage that seemed reasonable. 

Ginny: I feel your pain living in Boston. Parking spot? What is this thing you call a parking spot?

We ended up parking across the street. The garage said it was $7 per hour. At most we'd be paying $21. I volunteered to pay for parking. We watch the movie, had popcorn and I finally felt like I was in a relationship that was leading somewhere.

We hung around downtown after the movie before going back to the garage. I put the little ticket into the machine to pay for parking. I saw the total and it was $50! There must have been some mistake. We weren't there for that long, at most the total should have been $28. Apparently, we don't know how to read. The $7 an hour rate only applied to parking Monday through Friday between the hours of 6am and 10 am .... this is mentioned in like 4 point font. (Nugs: Of course it is.) I paid the stupid $50. Needless to say, we don't go to the movies downtown anymore.

No matter how small the font.

Friday, February 15, 2013

A tale of romance and shingles. How Ginny met Derek.

Derek and I starting dating in May of 2012. We met the new old fashioned way, Okcupid. I had just ended a relationship of about 8 months in March. I decided to get back up on the dating horse but I wasn't expecting much.

Nugs: Is it wrong that when I saw "dating horse" I immediately thought of something really dirty? I also thought of this right afterward:

Tits: You would.

Nugs: It would have been a Fail if I didn't.

Okcupid can be really depressing. You start to think that there are no normal guys on here. Heck I'd even take a guy who can spell!

Tits: Understatement of the year.

During this time I reached out to a guy that I had blew off after a few dates during my last round of internet dating. He was a nice guy and I felt horrible for doing that to him. When I saw he was still on there I messaged him to apologize and he asked me out again. Then Derek messaged me.

At first I wasn't going to respond to his message because he only had one picture. For some reason I don't trust a guy with one picture but it was a clear picture of his face, not some sketch pic where you can't see what they look like. Plus he had a cute face and I loved his eyes.

Nugs: I've met Derek. He does have really nice eyes.

What really blew me away though was his message. Once I read it I realized this guy could actually form sentences and he read my profile. After checking out his profile I knew we would get along. We had a lot of similar interests and something about the way he wrote I liked.

Tits: And he didn't include the words "meat hole" or try to get you to sleep with him while his creepy girlfriend watched I'm sure.

Around the time I started talking to Derek I developed shingles on my butt and lower back. It was not fun, let me tell you. It was due to the stress of my bathroom being remodeled and it going horribly. I had been on medication and although I was still itchy and couldn't wear pants I said yes when he asked to meet up.

Nugs: "I don't think we should meet because you're not wearing pants," said NO GUY EVER.

Also, thanks to this and the movie Ted, I now know WAY more than I ever wanted to about Ginny's butt.

Lily: LMAO! I had that same thought when watching Ted all 5 million times.

Tits: I guess I ought to see this movie, but then I know nothing about Ginny's butt either.

Ginny: HEY! There are the annoying trashy Boston girls and then there's the sweet nice Boston girls. I only drop my Rs when I'm drunk or say blender or when I'm yelling.

We hit it off right away. I felt pretty comfortable so a few drinks in I dropped the s bomb "I'm getting over shingles on my butt and I can't wait to be able to wear pants again". Derek's reaction was amusement rather than horror which is good. I told him that I often just say things without really thinking them through.

At the end of our date while he walked me to the T he took off his sunglasses and handed them to me. He said "now you have to see me again so you can give me back my sunglasses." There may have been some kissing involved. It was really quite sweet. I gave him my sunglasses to return to me and well here we are nine months later.

Lily: Okay, so I'm really a sucker for all of this, because it brought a little tear to my eye. AND I played it in my head ... and it looked like a Nicholas Sparks movie.

*And if you're wondering about the other guy that I had been on a few dates with that I had blown off before, well I told him I met someone and he probably hates me. Poor guy, he was actually nice there just wasn't any spark.*

Poor guy. He probably feels like he got played.

Nugs: OK, so I met Derek a couple of weeks ago when I made one of my semi-yearly trips into Boston for Gin's birthday. We debuted the respective boyfriends to each other and they both passed our tests, according to the mass emails Gin and I sent out to the other Snark Girls. Once one of us hates you, well, that's pretty much it. Because you know, Chicks Before Dicks. So it's nice to know that both Mr. Ginny and Mr. Nugs have ben accepted by all. 

I actually have to give Derek a Golf Clap; meeting me for the first time together with Ginny in any vicinity that involves alcohol will usually cause any guy to look over his shoulder in fear for the rest of his life. I can't remember the last time Ginny and I hung out where we weren't off-the-scale drunk; most likely with some homoerotic activity, usually started by me. Well played, Mr. Ginny. Well played. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Nugs' Wasted Opportunity

Nugs: Iron Man and I met totally by accident. I had just escaped from LA, so I was kind of like Kurt Russell, only smaller and less growly. And also with both my eyes and substantially less body hair.

Finding a dude was definitely the last thing I was concerned with. I'm currently still on the job hunt, and I'm crashing at my dad's until I settle into a suitable living situation. The first time I moved back to New York I made the disastrous mistake of dating the first guy that I met, so I was determined to hang out with my friends and focus on myself, leaving relationships on the back burner. I wasn't prepared for this at all.

Ginny: That's what they all say "It's me time!" and then they meet their future spouse.

Nugs: At least if I marry him I'll know that he's already seen Ginny and I wasted together. So I won't have to drop that bomb at the wedding.

I had been back East for about two weeks when I was messaged on Facebook by one of my oldest friends, who you guys may remember from That Ain't Kosher as Bri-Winning. He was hitting up our old Sunday night hangout with all our boys from my college days, so of course my presence was required.

Bri-Winning and I got to the bar and weren't there for ten minutes when Iron Man arrived. Apparently he and Bri-Winning had met a few months prior through another mutual friend and were usually both there on Sundays, but Bri-Winning didn't know whether or not he would be there that night. He introduced us, and I found myself immediately regretting my decision to not go with the V-neck top. Dude was hot. Then I found out he was a Penguins fan. Oh. Fail.

Too bad for you. RANGERS FOREVER.
Lily: Womp womp. Why don't people understand that these are serious issues?!

Tits: I love this guy and yet I hate him at the same time. I just can't deal with those Penguins fans.

Nugs: Right? I will never, ever raise a Flyers fan in my house. Or Devils. Sorry, Tits.

PS- Lily, you're getting married to a Packers fan. You can't say shit.

We ignored everyone else for about an hour until Bri-Winning came over to drive me home. I lingered for a while as I put on my jacket, waiting for Iron Man to offer me a ride (in the car, you pervs!), ask for my number, ANYTHING that would indicate the slightest hint of interest in continuing our conversation. I waited, and all that happened was a goodbye.


Ginny: Guys do this all the time as in they don't get the hint when we're giving the hint.

Lily: The male species does not comprehend "hints".  And sometimes, they don't even get it when you're telling them directly.

Tits: You could write the hints on a two by four and beat them over the head with it and they would still not get it. I can't tell you how many times I have said something to Imac only for him to forget in less than 3 seconds.

 Nugs: Ugh, YES. Unless you include the words "sandwich," "beer," or boobies!!!!!!".

I spent the next two days going over this (sorry, Tits), wondering how I (again) could have fucked things up. (OMG this was torture, Nug's ability to over-analyze is epic) (Do you really want to play this game with me? Because this will end in a tie. Or a marshmallow fight.) I concluded that I definitely should have worn the V-neck after all.

Then, when I was checking my Facebook, I noticed a friend request. It was Iron Man. He was on, and sent me a message on Facebook chat. I kept it totally cool while texting like nine of my friends in the process, even while he asked me to go for drinks that weekend.

One of his friends was bartending that night, which is very bad for me because the shots were free and I hold my liquor even worse than a freshman sorority girl. The drinks kept coming (Haha. "Coming."), and being sufficiently loaded allowed me to "question" him about his lack of follow-through:

Me: So what was your deal? I totally didn't expect to hear from you.
IM: About that. I just figured I would find you on Facebook through [Bri-Winning].
Me: Well, that makes no sense. You should have just gotten my number.
IM: Yeah, after you left, I was kind of like, "you stupid motherfucker."
Me: Actually, me too.


Me: So how did you find me on Facebook? Did you go through [Bri-Winning's] friends or something?
IM: Yeah, I saw somebody that I thought was you. Then I went through some pictures and I was sure.
Me: Stalking. Classy. Did you go through the ones on the stripper pole?
IM: There are ones on a stripper pole?
Me: Really? I thought those would be the first ones you looked at, considering you've been talking to my boobs for like twenty minutes.

IM: Shit. You noticed that?
Me: It's pretty obvious.

Tits: In fairness to him, your tits do come through the door about 2 minutes before the rest of your body. It's hard to miss them.


The more we imbibed, the more the conversation slipped heavily into unintentional porn:

Me: (after he asked about my job) So, what do you do?
IM: I'm a pimp.
Me: .......
IM: (explains actual job. He's not serious- he's not really a pimp, but it's close.)

By this time I had downed at least two glasses of vodka and three double shots of tequila, and I didn't know which one of him was real- the one on the left or the one on the right. I was super hammered, so I was sort of relieved when it was time for last call. We walked out to the car and had a relatively normal drive back to my dad's house which I do not remember at all until the end.

We sat in the driveway, and it was one of those typical first date moments where he was probably thinking about whether he should go for it and I was probably thinking about whether he would go for it, or I would have been if I weren't smashed out of my mind. Before I could even take this in, he leaned over and it happened, and even though I was heavily dosed on tequila I knew that it was good. I straightened myself up, said my goodbye and exited the car. I barely made it to the bathroom before I lay down next to the toilet. I woke up the next morning fully clothed with a pounding headache, my face pressed against the tile.

Tits: This seems to be the proper order in life: Making out and then vomiting up everything you have eaten for the day.

Lily: I have an awesome visual of you looking hung over...

I was totally convinced that once again, I was destined to adopt nine cats and move into the comic book store, but IM actually texted me the next day and invited me out with his friends. "Shocked" does not even begin to cover my reaction, although he still claims he had no idea how intoxicated I really was that night. He probably just thought I was being a bitch. Although he does kind of enjoy that, which explains why we're still together. Either that, or he really likes V-necks.

Ginny: there is nothing wrong with having a lot of cats!

Nugs: Or lemurs. For some reason, I'm now obsessed with lemurs.

This dude.

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